Okay, so I know it is totally uncool to be pissed at Santa, but honestly, I couldn't help it! The guy just fucked up. Simple as that. He totally screwed my Christmas, so yeah, I was pissed. I asked for one little thing for Christmas last year, just one. And it wasn't even like, one of those hard to find items. I wanted a cell phone. No big deal, all my friends already had them. But did I get one? NOOOOOOO. All I got was a fucking beeper. A pager, like I'm a doctor or something. And I was a very good girl last year, too. I wrote him a letter, I was very clear. So, you can understand why I was angry. Who wouldn't be?
So this year I decided to show Santa exactly how I felt about his pathetic little beeper. I wasn't asleep in my bed when he came down the chimney. No sugarplums dancing in my head. I was sitting on the couch waiting for him. I was wearing one of my shortest nighties. I didn't want to get all tangled up, after all. And also heels with pointy toes. I figured in that fluffy red suit the old guy wears, he wouldn't hardly feel it if I my feet were bare.
Anyway, he didn't notice me at first; he'd eaten 3 cookies and was just starting to put the presents under the tree when I said "Yo, Santa!"
He spun around, obviously surprised to see me. But he regained his composure fairly quickly. "Why if it isn't little Susie" he said. I stood up. "Oh my, you've grown since the last time you sat on my lap."
"Yeah, well it's been a few years" I replied.
"So why aren't you asleep like all the other boys and girls, Susie? You aren't still angry about the beeper, are you?"
"As a matter of fact I am." I said, and then I let him have it. I could tell even as I began the kick that I would be on target. A perfect kick, right to Old St. Nick's nuts. He fell to his knees with a crash (that guy must weigh at least 300 pounds!). I glared down at him and was just about to say something about how it served him right when I realized that he was grinning. That oversized elf was looking up at me with the most satisfied smile on his pudgy face. So I kicked him again. What else could I do? He cried out this time, but managed to stay on his knees. And that smile, still there! So I nailed him again. This time he fell over sideways. Santa curled up in the fetal position is something you don't see everyday. Watching him try to catch his breath, I felt all of my anger melt away. I watched him for a few minutes, thinking that for an old guy, Santa was pretty tough. When I was sure he was going to be okay, I kissed him on the forehead and went up to bed.
And what do you think I found under my tree the next morning? Not one but two cell phones, a year's worth of unlimited airtime, 7 different kinds of shoes, ranging from spiky high heels to cowboy boots and (if this doesn't beat all) a round trip ticket to the North Pole.
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