Thursday, September 20, 2007

Ansible Kisses the Concrete

By hughgee

His name was Ansible. But everybody called him Noone McGoobers. Nobody ever asked why. He also had another name. But by God here was one redneck on vacation who just liked to surf. Or at least he was gonna try to surf. That's what he told his boss anyway. That's why he took today off. To go surfing and get stoned and let the ocean breeze get his mullet and the rat-tail behind all nappier than though and maybe, just maybe, if he was real lucky, he could get some serious skanky chick action going in the back of his VW--VW Bus, if you know what I mean. And I think that you do. As he pedaled it into the parking lot this past morning at Dillweed Beach, the sun was high already, the tasty waves were chopping it off in the distance already, the wind was making his mullet and his rat-tail in back nappy already--and he hadn't even finished parking the Bus. His mind drifted to the new surfboard he'd recently stolen from his neighbor's open garage.

"SON-OF-A-B###!!!" Ansible screamed at the wheel as he whipped it to the right. Some teeny-bopper chick in a used chop-top Cabriolet just cut him off and robbed his parking space! Right in front of him!

"That bitch!" he screamed, halting on the brakes and hopping out, onto the pavement, approaching the girl.

The girl stepped out in a wet suit, sucking a grape lollipop, blissfully unaware. "Oh hi," she said. She was quite young and had a surf board too. Ansible's eyebrows hit the top of his hairline as he saw that she also had one helluva killer body underneath it too. Around 5' 5" with long straight black hair, her wetsuit had a front zipper, and it was open down to her bellybutton, and she had the hardest-looking, roundest-looking, bulgingest-looking boobs just jutting inwards and upwards from the binding prison of tight neoprene. Two giant Nerf balls smashed halfway into her chest. One look and Ansible knew they wouldn't be saggy if they were set free ever. Yeah. If he should be so lucky. He could only guess how big. DD, he thought. Gotta be DD. At least. Ansible was hypnotized. He didn't realize he was just standing there, gaping.

"What's up?" she asked, lolling her lollipop and grabbing her surfboard out of the car. The rest of her was round and bulging too. She just was BUILT, man. Built like mmmMMMMTTTT!!! he thought to himself. Solid, man. Solid. Buff bulbous shoulders; bulging wrap-around thighs; big calves, big arms--even her face had roundish, buff-like features: she had a sunburned ball-shaped nose, a round protuberant forehead, and round jutting chin. But solid. Oh so solid. And all wrapped in black sealskin, save for pink-thonged feet, her hands, her head.

"What do you want?" she finally said, a little annoyed now.

"Oh!" replied Ansible, snapping out of it. "Hey, you cut me off. You stole my parking space."


"You heard me. Hey, I don't really mind, but next time, be more considerate, okay?"

"Considerate my ass! Go away hesher. You shouldn't even be here. This beach is for surfers."

"But I am a surfer. At least I will be after today."

"Yeah right. You look like it. You're a surfer. I could tell from the frickin' mullet. Go away, hesher. Go say Hi to Ozzy or something. Black Sabbath. Yeah, dude. Smoke some dope."

"Hey. Don't talk like that. I didn't talk like that to you. Be nice. I just asked you--"

"Be nice--I'm not gonna be nice! You're a hesher! How 'bout if kick you in the balls? Finish this dumb conversation once and for all. How's that for nice? I hate heshers. Go away, dude. You guys smell."

"Look, hey chick, I didn't do nothin' to you. And as for kicking me in the balls, it won't make it once and for all. I got a pretty tough pain tolerance, since your asking."

"What?! Are you insane?! Why're you getting close to me?"

"No. Really. Listen. When I was a kid. They called me Numbnuts. 'Cause I could take it. I'm good like that. So don't try anything down there or you better just keep on kicking, 'cause after the first 2 or 3 shots, I'm gonna kick your little ass. You've dissed me long enough, surfer girl."

"Oh yeah right. Whatever!" the surfer girl said, driving her neoprene clad knee straight up quite suddenly, six or seven inches or so. That's all. BOOM. One quick, irresistible piston thrust. One; only one; and Ansible instantly felt his guts go to glass; like a baseball bat bashing into a windshield, spider-web rivulets of pain shot everywhere throughout his intestines. His last facial expression before he collapsed and kissed the ground, Ansible's eyeballs frantically climbing to get out of their sockets to get away from the pain. The onrushing merciless pain.

Too late. His lips parted, mouth fell open. He was down.

She saw it all and laughed a little. "Huh. Numb nuts, huh? Good one. Don't look so numb to me. Numb skull, maybe." With that she laughed louder for a time. She kept looking down; put her hair up over one ear with her hand that wasn't holding the surfboard. Smiling, intrigued, cocking her head as

Ansible writhed and breathed like a dying smoker at her bare feet, she roiled her shoulder, then with her hand she re-adjusted her wetsuit over both big rib balloons in her wet suit, and zipped up. Setting her board down, she stepped over her antagonist's prone, pretzeled-up body and, leaning inside the open cab door of the idling VW Bus, put it in neutral, then walked around the back of it and grunted as she pushed. A normally-built girl might not have made much headway, but this girl had thighs. Boy, did she have thighs. All Ansible could do was summon the strength to lift and turn his head. When he did, he saw his beautiful, cherry Bus rolling down the slightly graded parking lot asphalt, then plowing through the sand and crashing into a sand dune.

"Huh," the girl huffed. "Good luck gettin' that out."

"Uhhhh," grunted Ansible.

"Gotcha pretty good, didn't I?" she said, lingering a few moments to gloat. Finally, the surf gods were calling. Time to grab her board and shimmy off.

"Stupid hesher. Good. You deserve it. I hate heshers. You're lousy stinking people--I hate you."

Ansible could only watch. Her shimmy sure had a lot of jiggle. Pink plastic thong sandals flapped away, the first two flaps flicking dust into Ansible's face. The girl, this bulging surferette romance prospect--or so he thought in a moment of idiot lust--she went and she surfed and she had a great time. Ansible didn't. He was f#cked.

No comments: