Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The BB Queen Contest Prelims

A comedy... you've been warned.

By confused_ed

Ok people... this is number 2's tournament. You've probably read stories based on the tournament before. If you've come to read this, thinking it will be like the others... you will be very disappointed. This is going to be 95% humor to about 5% sexual story. Mind you, there IS a 5% margin of error on all poles.

I'm just writing this for fun and because some people requested it. So I wrote it up, and I ran it through a spell check, but I really didn't edit it... so any spelling errors, or bad grammar... feel free to put all the mistakes you find into an email... then delete the email and hit yourself with a ruler cause no one likes a smart ass.

Oh, one more note. Instead of doing a single match, I'm instead going to do the preliminaries, where we find out who made the final cut to be in the tournament. More room to spoof that way. Enjoy...


We open to two Japanese men in strange kimonos. They look into the camera and say, "Good Evening and welcome to the BB Tournament of 2003. I'm your host Vic Romano, and with me as always is Kenny Blankenship."

Kenny nods, "Yeah, and we're going to be seeing women today!"

Vic smacks Kenny with a fan, and reprimands, "Kenny! We're here on serious business today. We're the invited hosts of the ultimate tournament of ballbusting!"

Kenny laughs, "Yeah, all part of our sexual harassment plea bargain, stupid lawyers."

"Indeed Kenny," Vic agrees, "Let’s give a quick run down for those of you that are new to this type of event. Hundreds of women are here to try and earn a spot into the ball busting tournament, which if they win, they'll be crowned the ball busting queen."

Kenny chimed in, "Kinda like a violent Ms. America Pageant."

"Yes, but without the talent portion," Vic explained.

"Good, the talent portion blows; give me the bikinis!"

"Indeed," Vic agreed and continued to explain. "Contestants are judged on looks, skill, creativity, accuracy, and how much pain they can inflict on a man's testicles."

"Its kind of a strange fetish," Kenny commented. "You really have to be a freak to enjoy this sort of thing."

Vic smacks Kenny with the fan again, and says annoyed, "Kenny! What kind of talk is that? Everyone has something weird that they like. It’s what makes us all different."

Kenny shrugs and says, "I'm just I like to be shit on like normal people."

"Indeed. Let’s go to the action," Vic says. "Our first contestant from the wrestling category is Stephanie McMahon. She has had some ball busting practice in the past, including the infamous Bischoff incident."

"Wow, some women have puppies, but she definitely has St. Bernard’s!" Kenny says.

"All thanks to plastic surgeons," Vic explains.

"Truly gods among men."


Music plays: "I'm all grown up..."

And out walks Stephanie McMahon wearing an obscenely low cut shirt, giving some men mixed feelings between arousal and disgust. She rolls into the wrestling ring that has been set up as the stage for contestants to display their ballbusting skill. A small man is standing in the ring already.

Vic: "It looks like her special helper will be none other then Jonathan Coachman, announcer of WWE Heat. Hey, were did we get all the guys to get kicked for this events?"

Kenny: "Oh, all the guys are volunteers."

Vic: "I didn't think we'd get enough volunteers."

Kenny: "Oh, we didn't, so we just lured a lot of guys here saying that there's free beer."

Vic: "I see!"

The bell rings, and Stephanie has 30 seconds to show off what she's got. Instead of attacking, she picks up a microphone. "As Co-GM of Smackdown..." She screeches into the microphone, "I want all the fans of the WWE to know that I STEPHANIE MCMAHON" (there's some sparks from the microphone and a horrible reverb) "will WIN this contest, because I'm the biggest BITCH!" (Her voice cracks at the word bitch, causing the microphone to burst into flames, and one of the speakers to break loose.)

The speaker breaks loose from the ceiling and falls and crushes Coachman. The crowd murmurs, Stephanie tries to talk into the mic, but it’s broken, realizing this, the crowd bursts into cheers. The bell rings, she is out of time.

Vic: "Ohhhh, tough break. That's what happens when you're all talk and no action."

Kenny: "I hate women that talk too much."

Music Plays: The theme song to Roseanne...

Vic: "Indeed. Next up, from the category of television is Roseanne Barr."

Kenny: "Woah-oh! Tons of fun!"

Vic: "Kenny! *whacks him with the fan* I'll have you know that a lot of men prefer a full figured woman."

Kenny: "Yeah, but they're just talking about breasts."

Vic: "Oh... ok."

Meanwhile, Roseanne uses the ring steps to enter the ring. The crowd does not seem too pleased with her.

Vic: "Here's hoping she just doesn't sing the nation anthem."

Kenny: "Who's that in the ring with her?"

Vic: "That's Pat McGroin, a local urologist that we lured into this contest."

Roseanne walks over to Pat, and offers him a handshake. Pat confused about what's going on takes her hand. Roseanne pulls him hard, yanking him into a huge powerhouse knee. The knee smashes into Pat's balls, flipping him up and over the knee and onto his back, curled up in agony.

The crowd still boos.

Kenny: "Woah-oh! Looks like Pat's going to need his own services."

Vic: "Indeed, but even after a move that Roseanne calls the thunder thigh, the crowd is still very down on her."

Kenny: "Well it’s like what my T-shirt says, "no fat chicks" haha."

Vic: "Indeed."

Roseanne grabs her own crotch at the audience and spits, then leaves.

Vic: "A very classy woman. That's two women so far, but the audience has not been pleased so far. Let's check backstage."


Backstage, we see Trish Stratus getting ready, limbering up with some high kicks. The audience cheers loudly. We pan the camera back a bit more, and we see Chun Li performing even higher high kicks, and grinning at Trish in triumph as she does so.

"All right, fine" Trish says. "So you can kick higher... so what? I'm still winning this thing."

"That remains to be seen," Chun Li counters.

"What are you even doing here?" Trish asked, "You don't even exist, you're just a video game character, I thought this was for real people."

Chun Li flipped back her hair and scoffed, "Listen hunny, I'd double check those 38 DD's before you start yammering on about who's 'real'."

"Oh yeah?" Trish says standing chest to chest with Chun Li who replies back, "Yeah!"

Trish backs off and puts on her hat, "Well, normally I'd say I'd kick your ass..., but I think I'll kick your ass by kicking someone else's balls." And with that she turns on her platform heels and walks off camera.


Vic: "Apparently Trish isn't that good at threats."

Kenny: "She was talking? I was distracted."

Vic: "KENNY! You're a disgrace as an announcer, you missed the whole vignette."

Kenny: "No I didn't, I was just looking at her boobs instead of listening to her."

Vic: "Oh, ok then."

Music Plays: "*girls’ giggles* I don't care what you all say... OH! Its time to rock and roll..."

And to deafening cheers, out comes fan favorite Trish Stratus. She bends over deeply, then leans up and points to the audience.

Kenny (while Trish was bending over): "Do you think you could wedge a bike tire in there?"

Vic: "Yes indeed, in fact, she earned a very good living as a parking post at a local strip joint before she joined the WWE."

Kenny: "Are you sure?"

Vic: "Pretty sure, I heard that she went parking with lots of guys..."

Kenny: "Oh... I gotta get a parking spot like that..."

Vic: "Indeed, don't we all."

Back to the ring, Trish poses in all four corners for her fans. Standing in the ring is a start struck 18 year old boy, practically drooling.

Vic: "So who's our volunteer?"

Kenny: "That's Hugh Suck. A local High Schooler, he's on the local football team."

In the ring, Trish slinks up to Hugh and caresses him, shaking what her mama gave her... or what her mama bought for her at any rate. The teen is awe struck, and is really struck as Trish plants her clunky clog into the guy's nutsack. As the guy falls, Trish follows it up with a quick knee.

Kenny: "Ooooohh, it looks like Trish just did a modified change up nutbuster combo."

Vic: "Yes, rarely seen out of the back streets of England."

Hugh is retching on the floor; Trish poses for the crowd and blows the boy a kiss.

Kenny: "I don't think they're any question that Trish is moving on."

Hugh needs help leaving the ring, Trish remains still posing, the crowd going insane.

Kenny: "And it looks like Hugh will be moving onto a position on the bench. Those swollen nuts won’t be fitting in a cup any time soon."

Vic: "No siree."

Trish heads to the back, but on the way...

Music Plays: "Traditional Chinese strings music plays."

...out comes Chun Li who passes Trish on the walkway. The two flash an annoyed look at one another, and then Chun Li continues on the way to the ring.

Vic: "And here comes the 2001 Street Fighter Champion, Chun Li."

Kenny: "I don't know if women that aren't real belong in this competition."

Vic: "That is a hot topic of debate, something that was going to be talked over with the chairmen of the fictional female category."

Kenny: "What happened?"

Vic: "They couldn't be found."

Kenny: "Oh."

Back in the ring, Chun Li flips over the ropes into the ring. The audience cheers loudly. A man in a suit and tie enters the ring.

Kenny: "That's Phil the Lawyer... this should be fun to watch."

Vic: "Indeed."

Back in the ring, the bell rings, and Chun Li wastes no time. She rushes forward with blinding speed and launches into her lightning kicks move. She fires multiple straight kicks into Phil's nuts. Phil goes wide eyed and pale skinned and drops to his knees in agony.

Not finished, Chun Li takes a step back, then leaps forward and fires one last fierce kick into the lawyer’s nads, driving him out of the ring. She leaps in joy and does the V for Victory symbol to the crowd, who eats it up.

Kenny: "Yikes, sucks to be Phil!"

Vic: "Yes... after those lightning fast kicks, it looks like Phil the Lawyer will need to hit the showers."

Kenny: "It looks like Chun Li will be moving up along with Trish."

Vic: "No, I'm afraid not."

Kenny: "Why not?"

Vic: "She'll be tied up in court; it looks like Phil will be sing."

Kenny: "That blows... Lawyers suck."

Vic: "Indeed, but its never wise to attack a lawyer."

Kenny: "Better to just make fun of them at a distance."

Vic: "Too true..., all right, that's all the time we have for now, but tune in next time, if there is a next time, where we'll meet a few more women trying to get into the BB queen tournament. Until next time..."

Kenny: "Don't get eliminated!"

Vic: *smacks Kenny* "Wrong show..."

Kenny: "Who cares? I just want to go visit Trish with this bike tire."

Vic: "Indeed!”

The End... for now at least...

All right, there's the first part... I WARNED you that it wouldn't be very arousing. But I hope it was funny. I'm open to suggestions as to who you think would be fun to put in our prelims. I would also like to receive a bunch of comments/praise/suggestions/flames, whatever... when I post my stories elsewhere I'm used to getting reviews! :-D

Thanks for reading, take care. Until next time.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

A fantastic thread. Truly love it!
Well written & actually deeply arousing I do say.

Who to use next time?

Let's see ... Xena, the Olssen twins, Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, and some Girl Group Pop Bands please.
Let me know if you want me to help write it with you. kaitm2001@yahoo.ie

lots of love,