Tuesday, September 11, 2007

MST3K Exp#BB79 (A.I. Artificial Inga)

By confused_ed

(Author's Note: Thank you those who had something nice to say about my last story. Grimsac offered his story for an MST'ing, so I don’t want any flames of bashing another person's story. I have permission. Unless it was sarcasm... then I’m really deep shit. If you read my last story then you'll know that this is a work of comedy/spoofing, and probably not all that sexually pleasing. If you didn’t read my last story... well then, you get what you deserve... Please enjoy...)

Theme song plays...







Mike: "Another fetish story? We need to get Pearl to see a counselor."

Crow: "Or a date..."

Tom: "Hey Mike... you two might make a cute couple..."

Mike: "Tom... she's trying to drive us mad by making us watch bad movies and fetish stories, why would I want to date her?"

Tom: "Oh come on... its not like you’re not hopelessly desperate..."

Mike: "I... I wouldn’t say hopelessly..."

Crow: "Oh come on, when was the last time you got some action, and us watching 'Attack of the 50 Foot Woman' doesn’t count."

Mike: "Ok, ok, guys, the story's starting..."

Artificial Inga

Crow: "I bet you can’t tell it’s not the real Inga!”

By H.G. Swells

Tom: "H. G. Swells... creative... why not call it 'Jack-Offs'?

(Harry Grimsac)

Crow: Write down that name, we can send him a letter bomb later for this."

Year: 2121ad

I just sold my youngest son to a biomech engineer from New Hong Kong.

Tom: "Does Rosie O’Donnell know that you can do that?"

Mike: "She must, why else would she be stock piling them?"

With the trade-in allowances and my credit bonuses I was able to purchase a new prototype service-droid with all the newest features:

Tom: "Hey Mike, there MIGHT be hope for you yet."

Crow: "Nah she'll self-terminate first."

- Soft skin

- Analog processor

Crow: "Forty free hours of America Online."

Mike: "Oh great... you know the second they start getting intimate she'll lock-up and he'll have to reboot"

- Custom Attitude adjusters

Crow: Hmmm... we get to choose from 'Lizzie Borden' or 'Lorena Bobbitt'.

- Self-maintenance package

- A few features I've never heard of.

Tom: "Microsoft anti-competition exe.? What's that?"

I chose a sporty model, female, with bronze complexion, good muscle tone, and interchangeable snap-on faces.

Crow: "Oh he got the Mrs. Potato Head model."

I got a really good deal on her because she hasn't been market researched yet. When the crate arrived I could have pried it open with my boner I was so excited!

Crow: They did that SAME stunt on Fear Factor last week."

I sifted through the packing material, laid the pieces out on the floor and began putting her together. The snap-on faces looked creepy staring at me through their plastic bags. They were VERY realistic, even to the touch.

Tom: "Let’s see what he got here... Hillary Clinton... Bea Arthur..."

I picked out a face from random to start with, it was labeled "20th century tennis pro".

Mike: "Andre Agassi?"

When I finished, she looked as real as any other Scandinavian super-model. The only way to tell the difference was the telltale zipper running up her crack and halfway up her back.

Crow: (laughing) "But that’s HARDLY noticeable."

I didn't waste any time reading the stupid manual; I just reached for the remote control and switched her on.

Tom: "And she blows up."

Crow: "Dammit! I knew we should have went for the extended warranty."

She blinked, smiled, and spit-up a little bit of WD-40 now dribbling down her chin.

All: Mmmmmmmm."

She wiped it away with the back of her hand.

"Oops!", she said. "Pardon me."

"Uh, what's your name?" I asked.

"El Que Ex stroke Eight Three Nine" she said, and took a piss on the floor.

Tom: "This is EXACTLY how the exorcist began..."

Maybe I should have read the manual. She obviously needed calibrating. “Why don't I just call you 'Inga'?"

Crow: (mimicking Inga): "Oh thanks... did you think the name Gretchen was too pretty?"

"Ok, whatever... Let's fuck!" She ran forward tearing at my shirt and I dropped the remote. Somehow she managed to unzip my pants and pull them around my ankles before I could say anything.

"Whoa! Hold on, not yet! You still need to be fine-tuned!"

Tom: "The real problem is that he's probably came already..."

"Crow: "What do you expect from someone that would get a robotic girlfriend?"

I fended her off and picked up the remote. I aimed it at her.

Mike: (Dirty Harry): "I know what you’re thinking... did I put Duracell in here, or crappy Rayovac? Well... do you feel lucky... punk?"

"NOOOOO!" she panicked and lashed her foot out, hitting me in the crotch so hard I flew backwards off my feet.

Tom: "THERE we go, took long enough to get to the fetish part."

I still had the remote but I was too busy writhing around to use it.

Mike: "So... since he's down writing in pain, probably holding onto himself like most guys... he's holding the remote with... his third hand?"

Tom: "Sure, you never saw Total Recall?"

She leaned down and pried my knees apart. I was no match for her berserking strength,

Crow: "berserking... there's a word you don’t hear enough nowadays..."

She swept my hands aside and gripped my nuts.

Crow: "Then after she was done eating my peanuts, she went back to my testicles."

Even though my pants were around my ankles she stood me up

Tom: Because one can’t stand with their pants down..."

and snarled, "Who's controlling who, Dickweed? I said Let's Fuck! So use 'em or lose 'em!".

Mike: "See, he wouldn’t be in this predicament if he watched Fox's special, 'When Robot Whores Go Wrong."

She tightened her grip for emphasis. I tried to say, "Not now, I have a head-ache." but all that came out was, "eeUng! ISH! OuuhlgH!"

Tom: "Oh I bet he says that to all the killer robots."

I franticly started mashing buttons on the remote control.

Crow: "Why is there nothing ever good on???"

Not because it was a good idea, but because I was having major convulsions. Her face froze, then her eyes darted around for a second, then a slow smile spread across her face

Mike: "You know, the first time never takes long... but that’s ridiculous."

as she stared at something people cannot see. The pressure of her grip stopped but she was frozen stiff...

Tom: "Oh, so she WAS programmed with AOL!"

Now what? It would be too embarrassing to call the fire department or an ambulance to please kindly remove this robot from my sac. I looked at the remote but of course it wasn't self-explanatory,

Crow: "Well you could press the big button that says, "Release testicles"

and the owner’s manual was all the way across the room. [I hate when that happens]

Mike: "Yeah, same thing happened when I installed my VCR.

Crow: "Ummm... that's the end of the story... but we're not being released yet..."

All: "Oh noooo, a sequel!!!"

Tom: "You maniacs... you finally done it... you finally done it!!!"

Mike: (looks at Tom) "Are you ok now?"

Tom: "Of course, I needed my Charles Heston fix.."

Artificial Inga .02

Crow: "Gee, I hope this is beta that the last one... get it? get it??"

Tom and Mike: (Groans)

The last episode ended with me in a tight nut-grip by a deactivated robot named Inga (LQX-839).

After some thought I decided that I may be able to pull my balls from her frozen grip if I wank-off and allow them to shrink a little bit.

Crow: "Cold water will do the same..."

Mike (a 'la George Costanza): "There was shrinkage!!!"

It was rough going at first because my balls ached so badly, but she was very sexy and naked which helped some.

Tom: "Her face fell off during the struggle... but who was looking at her face anyway?"

Hey, I was actually kinda enjoying it... ~Spoink!~

Mike: "Spoink? What is this? 60's Batman?"

it worked! My balls popped out of her hand

Crow: "Unfortunately not still attached to me..."

Tom: "I’m pretty sure that goes into another forum."

and I sat down relieved. I lit up my last cigarette and pondered what to do next.

Mike: "I wonder how much I could make renting her to Scott or Knackers?"

I caught myself getting a boner again as I thought about how she kicked me so hard. "Hmmm, strange."

Crow: "My balls should be destroyed after a shot like that, but I seem to be in no pain!"

I started reading the manual to learn how to use the remote and made a few adjustments. I switched her back on. "Oh, Honey, are you ok?" she said. She sat down next to me and started massaging my wounded bits.

Tom: "Hun would you PLEASE leave my drill alone."

"Er, yeah, actually. I was wondering if you could do it again. I think I kinda liked it." I stood up in front of her.

"Really?" she looked surprised, then she smiled and crossed her legs bouncing her foot up and down. "Ok!" With that, she shot her foot up. Her toes were bent back so the ball of her foot hit my sac solid.

Crow: "And sent him flying backwards, out the window, killing him, the end."

"Oh, SHIT!" in all my sexual excitement I had forgotten how fucking badly it hurt. "Errrrgh! Owie, owie, ow!"

Tom: "Owie, owie, ow? What is this guy, 2 years old?"

but sure enough, in spite of the agony, I was rock-hard.

"Can we PLEASE have sex now?" she asked, sweetly...

Tom: "Think he'll download into her?."

Afterwards, I realized I had no more cigarettes and I wasn't up to walking anywhere in my condition. I decided to see how she would do out on her own with a mission.

Crow: "And pick me up some Soylent Green too."

First she needed clothes. I gave her an old pair of my pants but they were too tight around the hips and not nearly long enough to cover her 38-inch legs;

Crow: "She's only 4 feet tall though, so she really looks weird..."

they looked ridiculous.

Mike: (cough) "More so then this whole story?

So I cut them off into shorts. I gave her a T-shirt and she tied the bottom up tight. The only shoes I had that fit her were an old pair of combat-boots I had from the Los Angeles War of 2112.

Tom: "That was terrible... Can you believe the CHUDS won?"

Mike: (shrugging): "Meh, they wanted it more then the Morlocks."

Now she looked like she should be posing next to a Hot-Rod for a calendar.

Tom: "Ooops... I mean... a 'Hover-Rod' Calendar."

Oh well, that will have to do. I gave her some money and directions to the shop around the corner. "Don't let anyone touch you." I said.

Crow: (Sighs)

Mike: "Whets wrong?"

Crow: "Too many jokes could be made here, I don’t know which way to go... Mike Tyson, Bill Clinton, Priests, Michael Jackson. Just can't decide"

"And whatever you do, don't let ANYBODY talk you into going anywhere with them. You are to come straight back here after you get the cigarettes."

Mike: "So he's going to send out a naive, very expensive piece of equipment, because he can’t wait to heal to get cigarettes.

Crow: "What’s REALLY ironic is that even now in 2121, they still haven’t proved cigarettes are addictive."

"Ok, will do! I'll be back soon!"

Tom: "100 years later..."

15 minutes later I began to worry. Not because it was taking too long but because I saw a cop-ship glide past my window in the direction of the shop with it's alarms blaring.

Tom: "Minority spotted on the corner of 8th and Maple."

Mike: "I guess some things about L.A. never changes."

Just before I started panicking the front door slid open and she walked in smiling. "That was fun! Here you go, Sweetie." she handed me the cigarettes and the money and kissed me on the forehead.

Mike: (Mimicking Inga): Sorry, but they only had Rastafarian flavored Soylent Green."

"Why do you still have the money?" I asked. "What the hell happened?"

"You were right, people were touching me and some men wanted to take me away with them.

Crow: "They called themselves the 'Plot Police'. They said this story could warrant capital punishment."

Here, I'll show you." She went over to the crate that delivered her and pulled out an RCA cable. She plugged two ends into my DVD player

Tom: "The HEIGHT of 2121 technology."

and stuck the other red end up her left nostril, and the yellow end up her right.

Crow: "Now THAT turns me on... that’s slightly unsettling..."

She turned on the TV and sat down Indian style next to it.

Crow: "And... nothing came up on the screen... OH, its gotta be set to channel 3."

The picture that came up on the screen was a view through her eyes as she entered the corner-shop. The clerk's eyes bulged out of his head as he looked her up and down.

Mike: "Was the eyes the only thing that bulged?"

"What can I do for you, Ma'am?" he said, looking directly into her tits.

"Can I have a pack of Marlboro 100's, please?"

"Sure!" He coolly slid them across the counter to her. "That'll be $18.95, please."

Crow: "That’s actually cheap, used to be much more expensive till they enslaved a bunch of Vulcans and put them to work on the tobacco farms."

"Thanks!" she said and turned to walk out the door.

"Wait a minute! You have to pay for those!" As she walked out to the street I could hear shuffling noises and footsteps running up behind her.

Crow: "OH NO!! It's the Blair Witch!"

Tom: (Heavy Breathing): "I’m so scared...”

She turned her head to the left to see a hand on her shoulder. With her right hand she grabbed his fingers and peeled them back with a sick crunching sound.

Mike: "Good thing he worked out all those bugs huh?"

She spun around, pulled him towards her, and brought her knee up hard into his crotch. -Twice! He slammed back into the door and slid down as she gave him a final kick with her boot.

Tom: "As opposed to kicking him with her glove."

He flopped forward.

"Don't touch!" she said, and turned to walk down the street...

She fast-forwarded a little bit. "Check THIS out."

A flashing cop-ship hovered down

Tom: "You think if the cop ship flashed, it would be kinda hard to be inconspicuous."

onto the street next to her and two cops jumped out blowing their whistles like crazy.

Mike: "Blowing their 'hyper-sonic resonating whistles."

"Right! What's all this then? Hold it right there, Miss!" said the first cop. "It seems you want to go around pinching cigarettes

Tom: "And spanking cigars..."

without paying, and beating on the local merchants!" said the second. "You'll have to come with us down to the station."

Tom: "You know, it’s not even about the attack, these cops just got done watching Blade Runner, and they're adrenaline is pumping."

"I can't. I'm not supposed to!" she replied.

"Eh? I dare say! Get in the ship, Miss!"

Mike: "Yes, I do believe I dare say 'eh'!"

"Hi-Yah!" she screamed and jumped forward with a flying drop-kick to his groin.

Crow: "She didn’t get much height on that, did she?"

He landed on his face with his ass sticking up in the air. She spun around to face the other cop. He drew his gun and pointed it at her.

Tom: "His 'Techno-Tazer-Blaster-LXQ"

Before he could yell, "FREEZE BITCH!",

Mike: "But the officer had a speech impediment, so she really had plenty of time."

she ducked down and rolled towards him. She shot both her feet up together into his policeman's balls.

Crow: "So I guess she's not a big supporter of Policeman Balls."

Mike and Tom: (Groans)

He flew back about 6 feet and she jumped on top of him.

Tom: "Six Feet? I thought Flash Girl exaggerated."

She hammered her fist down into his nuts several more times for good measure.

Tom: "So she's kinda like the Martha Stewart of Robotic S and M."

Now the first cop was trying to get back up

Mike: "I wonder if he's Robocop."

so she grabbed his left ankle and pulled it high into the air. He flopped on his back and she came down with an elbow-drop between the legs.

Tom: "That would be the experimental Chyna chip."

She brushed herself off and checked to make sure the cigarettes weren't broken and headed back




Tom: "Ummm... is that it?"

Crow: "Could we be that lucky?"

Tom: "I dunno, maybe the writer came to his senses."

Crow: "Or the medication kicked in?"

Mike: "Come on, let’s get the hell out of here before they change their minds."

(This story wasn’t mine, it was generously donated for my MST'ing by Grimsac. Thank you for its use. If anyone else wants to let me MST their story, I’d be very happy to do it.)

Theme Music Plays.

Closing Scene: ("Uh, what's your name?" I asked. "El Que Ex stroke Eight Three Nine" she said, and took a piss on the floor.)

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