Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Tall Pete Goes Down (spruced up, just a bit)

By hughgee

Pierre, South Dakota happens to be world-renowned for it's weird architecture, and probably none is more weirder than the humongous fiberglass Garfield the Cat statue, so huge you can walk under it while it stands on all fours, outside Jim Davis' Cafe. No, it's not the real Jim Davis, just some hamburger cookie guy in Pierre sponging off of his namesake. Anyway, what's even weirder is Garfield the humongous fiberglass statue has balls. Giant balls, resembling the bulbous end of a ball peen hammer, descending down so you can't walk there without crouching way down, and about the size of a small life buoy. The joker who built the thing really must've got a kick out giving Garfield balls like that.

Well it just so happens that Tall Pete was recently driving through Pierre on his way to wherever, and he stopped at old Jim Davis's joint, and sure, he was shocked at Garfield's balls like that. But what Tall Pete was even more shocked at were two very attractive girls near the statue, one quite diminutive, the other a bit more than average size but rather athletic and robust. The athletic girl was the cut up, the extravert, the class clown type for sure. She told the small girl, who had a camera draped around her neck (no doubt to take in all the sites of Pierre) to "Hey, get a picture of this, ha, ha" then the athletic gal ran up under Garfield, right to Garfield's dangling life buoy balls which were at about eye level to her, a scourge of a huge broad smile broke across her face, and she tilted her head and nuzzled her nose and cheek against Garfield's huge fiberglass "sack" while her hand closest to it ran up across it and slapped it smartly. The statue rang out with a TOOOOOOOMMMMMMM from her smack, just as the athletic clowny gal's cheek pressed against the "nuts" and just as the smaller gal took the picture, apparently. The two gals then walked off, evidently towards their car, and Tall Pete was going nuts over what he just saw! He couldn't help but hop out of his own car and follow them for a few paces. He couldn't hear all their conversation, but he heard them laugh a lot and push each other once or twice and then Tall Pete distinctly heard a partial sentence, emitted with uproarious laughter, out of the athletic gal. The gal's words were "Yeah, can you imagine that whole thing falling? ha, ha, ha...." then the gal made like she was a nut-stricken dude momentarily, playfully grabbing herself "down there" and starting falling over against her friend as they walked, till the littler girl shoved her back upright and they both busted up laughing again.

Tall Pete became incensed at this! He would not tolerate this effrontery to maleness. Parking his jalopy, he leapt out, gangly and gawky and full of piss and vinegar. He ran up to the gals, his unathletic, polio-like knock-knees clumsily knocking into each other, huffing and puffing and finally passing and confronting them a couple steps before they got to their car at the end of the parking lot. He wheeled around, halting their progress.

"Hello, ladies, I'm Tall Pete, but most folks call me Numb Nuts."

The little red-haired gal grew petrified and couldn't talk; the taller brunette athletic gal started laughing uncontrollably. She turned to the little gal, snickering, "There must've been a break out at Borstal."

Borstal was the local Pierre nut house.

"Numb Nuts" Pete insisted. "Did you hear or do I have to say it again? I'm bonafide, y'all."

"Yeah, you're bonafide, all right."

"I got it because I can take multiple shots."

"Multiple what?"

"Shots. Listen, I don't like what you just did back there--not if it makes you think Garfield would have fallen down. The fact is, the average male creature can take multiple shots to his balls before falling and he's not that weak."

Tall Pete's galaxy of zits offended the eyes this close, some white-tipped, some scabby red, his gawky protruding Adam’s apple bobbed up and down with every dorky word, the way tall, tall gangly guys' necks sometimes poke right out there at you. His buzz cut hairdo could balance a brown paper grocery bag, a hold-over from his glorious military days, thought he'd been kicked out before boot camp was even finished for "lewd conduct unbecoming of a marine."

The dark-haired athletic gal had heard enough of this gaunt, hysterical, reject freak. "Oh, whatever," she said, as she stretched and reached up and slapped Tall Pete in his crotch with the same hand that had left big Garfield vibrating. Tall Pete dropped to his knees like a stick figure whose calves and feet had just been erased by this gal's passing hand across the chalkboard. He wanted to get right back up, this wasn't multiple shots but his torso was shell-shocked and quivering; at the very first finger-tickling strike, his face had gone from initial stupefaction one second to a twisted contorted grimace the next, as then his body continued to curl in on itself, until he was on all fours on the ground. Tall Pete's head at the end of his pencil neck dangled loosely down towards the ground between his shoulders, just dangling there limp and inebriated with pain, unable to look up and face his feminine conquistadora.

"Oh God I love that. Loll-loll-loll..." she said and laughed, mocking Tall Pete's involuntary head movements with her lolling of her own head, letting her cute face go limp at her shoulders for a second for the amusement of her friend, fixing her face like she had vacant doll eyes. Dead wide doll eyes which looked so pretty on her, but so pathetic on her tall gangly flat-headed male victim--were he able to look up, that is. "I love when their head goes like that," she continued. "Look, he can't even look at me."

"I think you really hurt him, Marybelle. Marybelle, he looks really hurt!" the smaller girl said, sounding genuinely concerned.

"Oh, come on. He wasn't even well endowed down there."

The little gal was laughing irrepressibly now. "What??"

"I felt it--with my fingers--he's got nothing. He's TINY." The athletic gal was trying to press her lips together, but the laughter could not be suppressed, it came out in zipping, whinnying rip-snortings. "Multiple shots, eh?" she called down to Tall Pete.

Tall Pete, unable to answer, moments later felt something touch the back of his exposed neck.

"Oh no--don't," the smaller voice said.

"I'm just gonna see. I wonder if it really works."

"No, don't do that. That's mean. Marybelle."

"Check it out. That video was right. They can't help exposing the back of their necks after a groin shot. They're completely vulnerable. Damn, this is EASY."

"Marybelle, stop, please."

"I just want to see. Hey, he accosted us, remember?"

"Yeah, okay. Hey, you know, you did kind of scare me down there. Why'd you do that, you big dummy?"

With that, the lights went out for Tall Pete.

He could not hear the athletic gal's frightened gasp, muffled by her own hand, "Geez, that was EASY!" He could not hear the bigger gal grab her smaller, shyer friend by the hand and say, "Come on. We gotta get outta here!" Tall Pete could not hear their fading footsteps; he could not even hear them peel out of the parking lot.

He could not know that the athletic gal had made like a karate chop on the back of his neck, just to see if it really worked, the way they knock people out in the movies. It did. His unconscious body splayed out like a scarecrow omelet on the pavement, the gals laughed their arses off as the tires of their car found the street and sped off.

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