MST3K Exp#BB79 (A.I. Artificial Inga)

By confused_ed

(Author's Note: Thank you those who had something nice to say about my last story. Grimsac offered his story for an MST'ing, so I don’t want any flames of bashing another person's story. I have permission. Unless it was sarcasm... then I’m really deep shit. If you read my last story then you'll know that this is a work of comedy/spoofing, and probably not all that sexually pleasing. If you didn’t read my last story... well then, you get what you deserve... Please enjoy...)

Theme song plays...

6...

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

Mike: "Another fetish story? We need to get Pearl to see a counselor."

Crow: "Or a date..."

Tom: "Hey Mike... you two might make a cute couple..."

Mike: "Tom... she's trying to drive us mad by making us watch bad movies and fetish stories, why would I want to date her?"

Tom: "Oh come on... its not like you’re not hopelessly desperate..."

Mike: "I... I wouldn’t say hopelessly..."

Crow: "Oh come on, when was the last time you got some action, and us watching 'Attack of the 50 Foot Woman' doesn’t count."

Mike: "Ok, ok, guys, the story's starting..."

Artificial Inga

Crow: "I bet you can’t tell it’s not the real Inga!”

By H.G. Swells

Tom: "H. G. Swells... creative... why not call it 'Jack-Offs'?

(Harry Grimsac)

Crow: Write down that name, we can send him a letter bomb later for this."

Year: 2121ad

I just sold my youngest son to a biomech engineer from New Hong Kong.

Tom: "Does Rosie O’Donnell know that you can do that?"

Mike: "She must, why else would she be stock piling them?"

With the trade-in allowances and my credit bonuses I was able to purchase a new prototype service-droid with all the newest features:

Tom: "Hey Mike, there MIGHT be hope for you yet."

Crow: "Nah she'll self-terminate first."

- Soft skin

- Analog processor

Crow: "Forty free hours of America Online."

Mike: "Oh great... you know the second they start getting intimate she'll lock-up and he'll have to reboot"

- Custom Attitude adjusters

Crow: Hmmm... we get to choose from 'Lizzie Borden' or 'Lorena Bobbitt'.

- Self-maintenance package

- A few features I've never heard of.

Tom: "Microsoft anti-competition exe.? What's that?"

I chose a sporty model, female, with bronze complexion, good muscle tone, and interchangeable snap-on faces.

Crow: "Oh he got the Mrs. Potato Head model."

I got a really good deal on her because she hasn't been market researched yet. When the crate arrived I could have pried it open with my boner I was so excited!

Crow: They did that SAME stunt on Fear Factor last week."

I sifted through the packing material, laid the pieces out on the floor and began putting her together. The snap-on faces looked creepy staring at me through their plastic bags. They were VERY realistic, even to the touch.

Tom: "Let’s see what he got here... Hillary Clinton... Bea Arthur..."

I picked out a face from random to start with, it was labeled "20th century tennis pro".

Mike: "Andre Agassi?"

When I finished, she looked as real as any other Scandinavian super-model. The only way to tell the difference was the telltale zipper running up her crack and halfway up her back.

Crow: (laughing) "But that’s HARDLY noticeable."

I didn't waste any time reading the stupid manual; I just reached for the remote control and switched her on.

Tom: "And she blows up."

Crow: "Dammit! I knew we should have went for the extended warranty."

She blinked, smiled, and spit-up a little bit of WD-40 now dribbling down her chin.

All: Mmmmmmmm."

She wiped it away with the back of her hand.

"Oops!", she said. "Pardon me."

"Uh, what's your name?" I asked.

"El Que Ex stroke Eight Three Nine" she said, and took a piss on the floor.

Tom: "This is EXACTLY how the exorcist began..."

Maybe I should have read the manual. She obviously needed calibrating. “Why don't I just call you 'Inga'?"

Crow: (mimicking Inga): "Oh thanks... did you think the name Gretchen was too pretty?"

"Ok, whatever... Let's fuck!" She ran forward tearing at my shirt and I dropped the remote. Somehow she managed to unzip my pants and pull them around my ankles before I could say anything.

"Whoa! Hold on, not yet! You still need to be fine-tuned!"

Tom: "The real problem is that he's probably came already..."

"Crow: "What do you expect from someone that would get a robotic girlfriend?"

I fended her off and picked up the remote. I aimed it at her.

Mike: (Dirty Harry): "I know what you’re thinking... did I put Duracell in here, or crappy Rayovac? Well... do you feel lucky... punk?"

"NOOOOO!" she panicked and lashed her foot out, hitting me in the crotch so hard I flew backwards off my feet.

Tom: "THERE we go, took long enough to get to the fetish part."

I still had the remote but I was too busy writhing around to use it.

Mike: "So... since he's down writing in pain, probably holding onto himself like most guys... he's holding the remote with... his third hand?"

Tom: "Sure, you never saw Total Recall?"

She leaned down and pried my knees apart. I was no match for her berserking strength,

Crow: "berserking... there's a word you don’t hear enough nowadays..."

She swept my hands aside and gripped my nuts.

Crow: "Then after she was done eating my peanuts, she went back to my testicles."

Even though my pants were around my ankles she stood me up

Tom: Because one can’t stand with their pants down..."

and snarled, "Who's controlling who, Dickweed? I said Let's Fuck! So use 'em or lose 'em!".

Mike: "See, he wouldn’t be in this predicament if he watched Fox's special, 'When Robot Whores Go Wrong."

She tightened her grip for emphasis. I tried to say, "Not now, I have a head-ache." but all that came out was, "eeUng! ISH! OuuhlgH!"

Tom: "Oh I bet he says that to all the killer robots."

I franticly started mashing buttons on the remote control.

Crow: "Why is there nothing ever good on???"

Not because it was a good idea, but because I was having major convulsions. Her face froze, then her eyes darted around for a second, then a slow smile spread across her face

Mike: "You know, the first time never takes long... but that’s ridiculous."

as she stared at something people cannot see. The pressure of her grip stopped but she was frozen stiff...

Tom: "Oh, so she WAS programmed with AOL!"

Now what? It would be too embarrassing to call the fire department or an ambulance to please kindly remove this robot from my sac. I looked at the remote but of course it wasn't self-explanatory,

Crow: "Well you could press the big button that says, "Release testicles"

and the owner’s manual was all the way across the room. [I hate when that happens]

Mike: "Yeah, same thing happened when I installed my VCR.

Crow: "Ummm... that's the end of the story... but we're not being released yet..."

All: "Oh noooo, a sequel!!!"

Tom: "You maniacs... you finally done it... you finally done it!!!"

Mike: (looks at Tom) "Are you ok now?"

Tom: "Of course, I needed my Charles Heston fix.."

Artificial Inga .02

Crow: "Gee, I hope this is beta that the last one... get it? get it??"

Tom and Mike: (Groans)

The last episode ended with me in a tight nut-grip by a deactivated robot named Inga (LQX-839).

After some thought I decided that I may be able to pull my balls from her frozen grip if I wank-off and allow them to shrink a little bit.

Crow: "Cold water will do the same..."

Mike (a 'la George Costanza): "There was shrinkage!!!"

It was rough going at first because my balls ached so badly, but she was very sexy and naked which helped some.

Tom: "Her face fell off during the struggle... but who was looking at her face anyway?"

Hey, I was actually kinda enjoying it... ~Spoink!~

Mike: "Spoink? What is this? 60's Batman?"

it worked! My balls popped out of her hand

Crow: "Unfortunately not still attached to me..."

Tom: "I’m pretty sure that goes into another forum."

and I sat down relieved. I lit up my last cigarette and pondered what to do next.

Mike: "I wonder how much I could make renting her to Scott or Knackers?"

I caught myself getting a boner again as I thought about how she kicked me so hard. "Hmmm, strange."

Crow: "My balls should be destroyed after a shot like that, but I seem to be in no pain!"

I started reading the manual to learn how to use the remote and made a few adjustments. I switched her back on. "Oh, Honey, are you ok?" she said. She sat down next to me and started massaging my wounded bits.

Tom: "Hun would you PLEASE leave my drill alone."

"Er, yeah, actually. I was wondering if you could do it again. I think I kinda liked it." I stood up in front of her.

"Really?" she looked surprised, then she smiled and crossed her legs bouncing her foot up and down. "Ok!" With that, she shot her foot up. Her toes were bent back so the ball of her foot hit my sac solid.

Crow: "And sent him flying backwards, out the window, killing him, the end."

"Oh, SHIT!" in all my sexual excitement I had forgotten how fucking badly it hurt. "Errrrgh! Owie, owie, ow!"

Tom: "Owie, owie, ow? What is this guy, 2 years old?"

but sure enough, in spite of the agony, I was rock-hard.

"Can we PLEASE have sex now?" she asked, sweetly...

Tom: "Think he'll download into her?."

Afterwards, I realized I had no more cigarettes and I wasn't up to walking anywhere in my condition. I decided to see how she would do out on her own with a mission.

Crow: "And pick me up some Soylent Green too."

First she needed clothes. I gave her an old pair of my pants but they were too tight around the hips and not nearly long enough to cover her 38-inch legs;

Crow: "She's only 4 feet tall though, so she really looks weird..."

they looked ridiculous.

Mike: (cough) "More so then this whole story?

So I cut them off into shorts. I gave her a T-shirt and she tied the bottom up tight. The only shoes I had that fit her were an old pair of combat-boots I had from the Los Angeles War of 2112.

Tom: "That was terrible... Can you believe the CHUDS won?"

Mike: (shrugging): "Meh, they wanted it more then the Morlocks."

Now she looked like she should be posing next to a Hot-Rod for a calendar.

Tom: "Ooops... I mean... a 'Hover-Rod' Calendar."

Oh well, that will have to do. I gave her some money and directions to the shop around the corner. "Don't let anyone touch you." I said.

Crow: (Sighs)

Mike: "Whets wrong?"

Crow: "Too many jokes could be made here, I don’t know which way to go... Mike Tyson, Bill Clinton, Priests, Michael Jackson. Just can't decide"

"And whatever you do, don't let ANYBODY talk you into going anywhere with them. You are to come straight back here after you get the cigarettes."

Mike: "So he's going to send out a naive, very expensive piece of equipment, because he can’t wait to heal to get cigarettes.

Crow: "What’s REALLY ironic is that even now in 2121, they still haven’t proved cigarettes are addictive."

"Ok, will do! I'll be back soon!"

Tom: "100 years later..."

15 minutes later I began to worry. Not because it was taking too long but because I saw a cop-ship glide past my window in the direction of the shop with it's alarms blaring.

Tom: "Minority spotted on the corner of 8th and Maple."

Mike: "I guess some things about L.A. never changes."

Just before I started panicking the front door slid open and she walked in smiling. "That was fun! Here you go, Sweetie." she handed me the cigarettes and the money and kissed me on the forehead.

Mike: (Mimicking Inga): Sorry, but they only had Rastafarian flavored Soylent Green."

"Why do you still have the money?" I asked. "What the hell happened?"

"You were right, people were touching me and some men wanted to take me away with them.

Crow: "They called themselves the 'Plot Police'. They said this story could warrant capital punishment."

Here, I'll show you." She went over to the crate that delivered her and pulled out an RCA cable. She plugged two ends into my DVD player

Tom: "The HEIGHT of 2121 technology."

and stuck the other red end up her left nostril, and the yellow end up her right.

Crow: "Now THAT turns me on... that’s slightly unsettling..."

She turned on the TV and sat down Indian style next to it.

Crow: "And... nothing came up on the screen... OH, its gotta be set to channel 3."

The picture that came up on the screen was a view through her eyes as she entered the corner-shop. The clerk's eyes bulged out of his head as he looked her up and down.

Mike: "Was the eyes the only thing that bulged?"

"What can I do for you, Ma'am?" he said, looking directly into her tits.

"Can I have a pack of Marlboro 100's, please?"

"Sure!" He coolly slid them across the counter to her. "That'll be $18.95, please."

Crow: "That’s actually cheap, used to be much more expensive till they enslaved a bunch of Vulcans and put them to work on the tobacco farms."

"Thanks!" she said and turned to walk out the door.

"Wait a minute! You have to pay for those!" As she walked out to the street I could hear shuffling noises and footsteps running up behind her.

Crow: "OH NO!! It's the Blair Witch!"

Tom: (Heavy Breathing): "I’m so scared...”

She turned her head to the left to see a hand on her shoulder. With her right hand she grabbed his fingers and peeled them back with a sick crunching sound.

Mike: "Good thing he worked out all those bugs huh?"

She spun around, pulled him towards her, and brought her knee up hard into his crotch. -Twice! He slammed back into the door and slid down as she gave him a final kick with her boot.

Tom: "As opposed to kicking him with her glove."

He flopped forward.

"Don't touch!" she said, and turned to walk down the street...

She fast-forwarded a little bit. "Check THIS out."

A flashing cop-ship hovered down

Tom: "You think if the cop ship flashed, it would be kinda hard to be inconspicuous."

onto the street next to her and two cops jumped out blowing their whistles like crazy.

Mike: "Blowing their 'hyper-sonic resonating whistles."

"Right! What's all this then? Hold it right there, Miss!" said the first cop. "It seems you want to go around pinching cigarettes

Tom: "And spanking cigars..."

without paying, and beating on the local merchants!" said the second. "You'll have to come with us down to the station."

Tom: "You know, it’s not even about the attack, these cops just got done watching Blade Runner, and they're adrenaline is pumping."

"I can't. I'm not supposed to!" she replied.

"Eh? I dare say! Get in the ship, Miss!"

Mike: "Yes, I do believe I dare say 'eh'!"

"Hi-Yah!" she screamed and jumped forward with a flying drop-kick to his groin.

Crow: "She didn’t get much height on that, did she?"

He landed on his face with his ass sticking up in the air. She spun around to face the other cop. He drew his gun and pointed it at her.

Tom: "His 'Techno-Tazer-Blaster-LXQ"

Before he could yell, "FREEZE BITCH!",

Mike: "But the officer had a speech impediment, so she really had plenty of time."

she ducked down and rolled towards him. She shot both her feet up together into his policeman's balls.

Crow: "So I guess she's not a big supporter of Policeman Balls."

Mike and Tom: (Groans)

He flew back about 6 feet and she jumped on top of him.

Tom: "Six Feet? I thought Flash Girl exaggerated."

She hammered her fist down into his nuts several more times for good measure.

Tom: "So she's kinda like the Martha Stewart of Robotic S and M."

Now the first cop was trying to get back up

Mike: "I wonder if he's Robocop."

so she grabbed his left ankle and pulled it high into the air. He flopped on his back and she came down with an elbow-drop between the legs.

Tom: "That would be the experimental Chyna chip."

She brushed herself off and checked to make sure the cigarettes weren't broken and headed back

...

...

...

Tom: "Ummm... is that it?"

Crow: "Could we be that lucky?"

Tom: "I dunno, maybe the writer came to his senses."

Crow: "Or the medication kicked in?"

Mike: "Come on, let’s get the hell out of here before they change their minds."

(This story wasn’t mine, it was generously donated for my MST'ing by Grimsac. Thank you for its use. If anyone else wants to let me MST their story, I’d be very happy to do it.)

Theme Music Plays.

Closing Scene: ("Uh, what's your name?" I asked. "El Que Ex stroke Eight Three Nine" she said, and took a piss on the floor.)

Mystery Science Theater, Experiment #BB78 (Flash Girl)

By confused_ed

Authors Note: (This is a work of fiction in the style of Mystery Science Theater. So when you read this, give your right hands a rest... Lefties, feel free to go wild. Flash Girl is a story I wrote a while ago, that I found on number2's site, and it didn’t get very good reviews when I first posted it. So in this repost, instead of going for sex, I’m going for laughs. Let’s see if the experiment is a success. Oh, by the way, if you don’t know what Mystery Science Theater is... well, you’re fucked. It's good to be the author.)

Mystery Science Theater music plays... then we start to enter the viewing room...

Entering the viewing room...

6

5

4

3

2

1...

Mike: "You know, it was bad enough when we had to sit through bad movies, now they're making us sit through fetish stories."

Crow: "Well, its still gotta be better then watching "For Love and Basketball".

START STORY

Tom: "Something tells me the story is starting

hello all, I thought it's been too long since there's been a new story posted,

Mike: "Boy, things sure have changed since then, huh?"

so I got an idea for a creative one. So here it is, let me know what you think and if you'd like a sequel to it.

Crow: "Believe me, that'll never happen."

(Quick warning, this story contains ball busting, and shouldn't be read if you are under the age of... hmmmm... its not really a dirty story, so lets say, shouldn't be read under the age of 17.)

Tom: "Hmm, a story about guys getting kicked in the jewels, for the purpose of sexual arousal... why would we think it’s a dirty story?"

ANNOUNCER: “Its 3:30 eastern standard time… and we all know what comes on then… THAT”S RIGHT… everyone’s favorite super heroine… FLASH GIRL.

Crow: "Woohoo! Flash us all!"

Yes, friends, Flash Girl. At day, she poses as mild mannered Alice Krumbabble,

Mike: "Babble... I think we'll be getting a lot of that before this ends"

a quiet Librarian. But when night falls, she dons her latex costume.

Tom: "A latex costume? Does Madonna know about this?”

Crow: "We can only pray that she doesn't."

and uses her super ability to move 20 times faster then even the faster mortal to battle crime and the forces of evil!

Tom: "Wow, that’s amazing, even the Flash only runs 19 times faster then mortals!"

Let’s watch to see what exciting adventures occur in this episode.

Scene: Flash Girl is poised on top of a rooftop looking down with binoculars.

Crow: "Because... being able to run fast would make the roofs much more accessible."

Flash Girl is a knockout 25-year-old, at 5’4, blue eyes, soft red hair down to her shoulders, 125 lbs., with size 36C cups that she you can see the form of clearly in her skintight red and black suit.

Mike: "You think those would affect her speed?"

Tom: "Yeah, the wind resistance would be horrible."

Crow: "And one small bounce at high speed and she'll knock herself out."

Her legs are her most impressive features, as they are long, firm, and covered by knee high pointed toe boots.

Tom: "Unfortunately she wears those boots cause she never shaves."

Crow: "eww..."

Flash Girl sighs… there has been NO action tonight at all.

Mike: (coughs)

She had worked all day as Mrs. Krumbabble, and today was even quiet for a library.

Crow: "Now she quits being Krumbabble for the day, and works the afternoon as Mrs. Stubblecrab."

Seems that kids don’t like to read anymore, such a shame. She mused how she passed the time by reading about 20 books today with her super speed, making sure no one noticed.

Mike: "You know, considering that she only read picture books from the juvenile section, that’s not really that impressive"

Suddenly… a crash comes from a nearby alley; Flash Girl jerks her head in that direction and takes off to leap to the other rooftop.

Tom: "It turns out it’s an alley cat and this story turns into animal porn!"

Crow: "I said it before and I’ll say it again, ewwww..."

To a normal human watching her, we would have just seen her standing in one place for one second, then we would have, just for an instant, seen a red blur fly at mind boggling speeds, then we’d see Flash Girl standing more then 100 yards away! Flash Girl looks down that alley that noise came from, poised for action… she hears another crash and a baby’s cry!!!

Crow: "We'll never know what that first crash was..."

Flash Girl doesn’t waste a second as she almost literally flies down a 20-story fire escape in literally only a few seconds. She comes to a screeching halt…

Mike: "And crashes into the brick wall killing her, the end."

and her heart jumps up in her throat as she sees a dog chewing on a dead baby!!!

Tom: "Alright, infant porn mixed with necrophilia!"

She started to sprint forward to tackle the greyhound in one blink of an eye, but in another blink she stopped dead in her tracks… she looked at the dog…

Mike: "Hey, we're going back to animal porn!"

and saw it wasn’t a dead baby… it was a Betty Boopsie doll!

Crow: (Laughing) Oh that’s creative, hehe why not call it a Darbie Doll"

“I had one of these growing up,” Flash Girl thought, “But the company that made them went out of business years ago.” She laughed for a moment… the dog ignoring all of this still chewing away on its prize.

Tom: "It’s BACON!!!"

Crow: "Noooo its Begging strips!"

Flash Girl let out a sigh of relief and leaned against a nearby wall. “I’ve GOT to calm down,” she thought. “How much easier my life would be if I didn’t have these powers.” She grinned back to that day that she got this ability to move at break-neck speeds.

Mike: "If she really traveled at break neck speeds, she'd be dead and we wouldn’t have to sit and suffer through this!"

FLASHBACK:

Crow: "Aww crap"

Flash Girl, 3 years ago, in one of New York University’s many science labs.

Tom: "In other words, that means the author couldn’t think of a specific one"

She had gone in to help her boyfriend Rick, with the last bit of their science project, a serum that, when poured on a plant, would make it grow much faster then normal.

Crow: "Gee... I wonder where THIS is going."

So far, their research hadn’t been conclusive,

Mike: "Because all the specimens burst into flames upon receiving the serum"

Crow: (mimicking Flash Girl): "Hmmm... maybe it’s a mistake using molten lead in our serum?"

but after some tests last week, they added another ingredient to the serum which, they believed, would make it work.

Tom: "I swear to god, if that secret ingredient turns out to be Chemical X, I’m going to tear this place apart"

Flash Girl, Ms. Alice Krumbabble then, entered into that lab on that fateful day, and saw her boyfriend of 2 years Frenching Lizzy Neroking!!!

Crow: "Who WROTE these names???"

Alice stared at them for a moment… and then flipped out… “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???” Alice screamed with tears in her eyes. Rick almost crapped his pants when he saw his girlfriend standing there.

Tom: "But that would have been a whole other fetish."

Rick, thinking he was a smooth operator,

All: (singing): He's a smooottthhhh operator... smooth operatorrrr"

walked up to Alice winking opening his arms for a hug. “Hey baby, this isn’t what it looks like… I was…” Whatever Rick was going to say was lost,

Mike: "Because the author came to his senses and stopped this story"

as Alice reared back and kicked forward, driving her platform sandals HARD into Rick’s balls.

Crow: "Hey I didn’t see that coming... I had my eyes closed and was screaming"

Rick felt the kick, but for a moment there was only shock… then the pain set in… and BOY did it set in. Rick crumpled to the floor crying and clutching his jewels.

All: (singing) Smooothhhhh operator..."

Alice wasn’t satisfied and pulled his hands off his nuts, an easy task since she had just kicked all the energy out of his body. She grabbed hold of her ex-boyfriends balls and started to squeeze and tug, and yank, all to the incredible pain and horror of Rick, who could only scream high-pitched in agony. This went on for what seemed to Rick for hours, but to Alice, it was only a 20 seconds.

Tom: "But this wouldn’t be considered a 'dirty' story"

As she was about to deliver a final squeeze, one that would destroy his manhood forever…

Mike: "He won’t miss it"

Tom: "and that ALSO would be another fetish!"

she felt a sharp pain in the back of her neck, and now she was on her back, bleeding… and wet.

Mike: (coughs)

She looked up, her vision blurry, and she saw Liz, terrified

Crow: "Was Alice looking terrified, or see looking at a terrified Liz?"

Mike: "Bad grammar and you..."

… and Alice realized… Alice has just broken the vial with their growth serum over her head…. She was now being covered with chemicals… Alice passed out… When she woke up, Rick and Liz weren’t there, and she never did see them again.

Tom: "Rick, now without testicles, found a perfect job as leader of a boy band. Liz changed her name and we now know and love her as Tonya Harding. The End."

But the serum has changed her…

Crow: "She's now a teenage mutant ninja turtle"

she could now move faster then the human eye! Her first idea was to go around and kick every guy in the nuts on the campus…

Crow: "Ohhhh, she's joined N.O.W."

she could DO it now, she had the speed; they’d never see it coming… But… she didn’t like that idea… most of the boys here don’t deserve that… but… she now had SUPER POWERS!!!

Mike: "Well, at least her powers are better then Aquaman's."

She could become a super hero! Fight for truth and justice! And on that day… Alice, became Flash Girl!

Crow: "You know, this would make Stan Lee go insane"

FLASHBACK ENDS. Flash Girl was brought back from her thinking

Mike: "5 hours later"

when she looked down and saw that the greyhound was still chewing on the doll…

Tom: "Yes, surely something that had been going on for so long nonstop without change would grab your attention"

but he had ripped it open… and something had caught her eye.

Tom: "And here comes the animal porn!"

She walked over to the dog, which ran off in fear, leaving the doll behind. Flash Girl picked up the dirty old doll and looked at it… it was filled with MONEY!!! It was stuffed with 20 hundred-dollar bills…

Mike: (confused) they make a 20 hundred dollar bill now?"

but on closer inspection… all these bills had the same number on them! These were COUNTERFIT!!! Flash Girl thought it would be best if she sprinted over to the Daily Dolly Company, where this Betty Boopsie doll was made.

Crow: "Soooo when the factory closed down, they just left all the dolls there?"

Tom: "Ohhh it’s typical in comic book warehouses. Doesn’t matter how old the factory is, the Riddler always has plenty of electricity, and all sorts of odds and ends to make weapons and stuff"

The company was miles away, but it only took Flash Girl a couple of minutes to travel that distant. She slowed down to a silent walk when the company got within sight.

Mike: (observing Flash Girl's costume) "Yes, it’s best to go in inconspicuous"

The Business was on a desolate street, nothing but abandoned buildings here,

Crow: "Damned Republicans in office"

so no one noticed that there’s an awful lot of activity going on in a business that’s meant to be closed.

Tom: (laughing) "I bet all those factories have super villains in them."

Crow: "Yeah, they probably all have a union together."

She used her super speed to move unnoticed to one of the windows. She looked in and saw 4-armed thugs all stuffing Baby Boopsie dolls with the phony money. She knew now was the time to strike.

Mike: "Yes, strike while the irony is hot"

In a blur she sprinted back, then drove forward going through the glass window, rolling to break the fall then stopped on her feet about 2 yards from the 4 bad guys.

“Hello guys, you’re a bit old to be playing with dolls, aren’t you?”

One of the thugs stammered and said, “It’s… it’s… it’s F-F-Flash Girl!!!” He clumsily tried to draw his gun.

All: "Oh no, it’s the archvillian the stutterer!"

“Awww, you’ve heard of me…” Flash Girl sprinted forward and unleashed a fierce kick right to the gonads of the thug.

Crow: "You know, she's not a very good super hero... if she ever met someone without balls, she's wont stand a chance.”

Mike: "That’s why her arch nemesis is Eunuch Boy"

She kicked him with such speed she was able to drop her foot and kick again, and again and again. She saw him move in slow motion,

Mike: So maybe she doesn’t move fast, maybe everyone else just moves really slow"

bringing his hands down to cover his jewels,

Tom: "This author must have a thesaurus just for synonyms for testicles"

but Flash Girl was so fast she was able to get in 11 kicks before he could cover himself.

Tom: "Eleven kicks... not over doing it huh?"

All the other three guys saw was a blur that was Flash Girl’s boot for about four seconds, then they saw the thug crumple to the ground crying his eyes out…

“Oooo,” Flash Girl said, leaning down and looking into the fallen man’s teary eyes. “That looks like it HURTS! You MIGHT want to ice them down later.”

Crow: "See? She's sorry for what's she's done."

The other 3 thugs pulled out guns and started to fire, Flash Girl sprinted off to her left, the bullets not even coming close, before the 3 guys could track her, Flash Girl sprinted back and in a blur she had removed the guns from the 3 thugs hands.

Mike: "I think this story is out of focus, it keeps blurring"

“Listen… if you're still playing with dolls then you're DEFINATELY not old enough to be playing with guns,” Flash Girl said showing that she had their weapons. She tossed them aside

Tom: And they hit the floor and go off killing her. The End, lets go home."

and smirked at them, “Now why don’t you just give up and surrender peacefully, you don’t want to end up like him, do ya?” She points to the floored thug oblivious to everything but the pain in his balls.

Mike: "In all fairness I’m usually oblivious to everything except my crotch too."

“Argh,” The smallest of the 3 thugs screamed in disgust and a thick Spanish accent, “You ain’t no threat to me, mamasita. Heee-ya!”

Crow: (laughing) Its Eddy Guerro! Use your Frog Splash on her!"

The littlest of the thug

Tom: "I think I can I think I can I think I can"

ran forward and performed a perfect roundhouse kick… but Flash girl easily ducked under it. The little man then drove his fist to where he though her face was, a kick to where he thought her side was, and then a double-foot drop kick. Of course, Flash Girl in a blur dodged each of those attacks,

Tom: "So apparently she's double jointed... which would ALSO be another fetish!"

and the final drop kick ended the little thug on his back.

“Do you give up yet?” Flash Girl asked coyly. The little man flipped out, jumped up, ran forward, and in a blur screamed bloody murder.

All: (shouting) "Bloody Murder!!! Bloody Murder!!!"

The other 2 thugs couldn’t understand why till they realized that in super speed, Flash Girl had grabbed the little thug by his jewels and she was rapidly squeezing, releasing, squeezing, releasing.

Crow: "You ever notice, rarely do thugs attack together, but rather one by one."

Tom: "It has something to do with the henchman union"

The little thug doubled over coughing, moaning and crying as Flash Girl leaned down keeping a tight squeeze on the thug’s “prizes” and said, “Are we done fighting?” She gave his balls a SHARP squeeze upward, and the little man screaming in agony managed to spit out, “Si’ Si’ SI SI SI!!!”

Mike: "Hello, this is stereotypes are us... where do you want the Latino Stereotype?"

Crow: "Just put it over in the corner next to the superherione body type stereotype"

“Good!” Flash Girl smiled and tugged down the little thug’s balls bringing him to his knees and she let go…

Just like the first thug, he too lay their bawling over his bruised jewels.

Tom: "Something tells me they're not something he uses often anyway"

The other 2 thugs looked at her. She put her hands on her hip, “NOW will you give up? Or do you want to risk never having another ejaculation?”

Crow: "Yeah, definitely a thesaurus at work"

The biggest of the thugs had enough; he picked up a fallen piece of lumber

Tom: "Hey, he's got wood!"

Crow: Which would ALSO be another fetish!"

and wheeled it like a bat. He ran forward swinging at Flash Girls head. She dodged so quickly she was now behind him. The big thug, bewildered turned around and saw Flash Girl, who then winked at him.

“Strike one…”

“GRRRRR!” The large man growled and swung again, to the same effect, Flash Girl behind him again.

“Strike two, aren’t you seeing a pattern?”

Tom: "Unfortunately I am... numerous hits to crotch, bad quip, move on to the next one."

The massive thug swung the lumber again, Flash Girl again sprinted behind him, but this time reached between his legs, grabbed the wood by the far end, and brought it behind her so the wood shot up and slammed the man in his nuts.

Mike: "Was that possible?"

The man screamed in pain but didn’t fall.

Tom: "Maybe, but that's not."

He limped around to face Flash Girl who said, “A shot like that to your little jewelsies and you're not down… tough man, huh?” The thug swung a fist at Flash Girl,

Mike: "Tonight on MST3K... henchmen that have no pattern recognition skills."

who ducked under it, pulled down the man’s pants and started to use his nutsack as a punching bag. She delivered a good solid 12 super-fast punches before the man even realized what was going on.

Mike: "Aren’t the number of blows a li’l out of proportion?"

Crow: "If you try to make sense of this, you'll wind up in an insane asylum.

Flash Girl stopped, looked at the sheer agony in the man’s face, held him by his cheek for a second and whispered, “I’d say your balls just struck out.” The man collapsed clutching his swollen bruised jewels, trying not to vomit.

Tom: "Trying not to vomit from the terrible, terrible struck-out line."

Flash Girl said, “You know, you three will make great editions to Sing Sing’s opera club, they’ve been looking for sopranos, you know.” She cast a glance at the fourth thug who held his a knife in his hands, but looking scared.

“Do you want to join them in the “balls in their throat” club?” Flash Girl asked.

Crow: (mimicking Flash Girl) "Come onnnnn they got a secret handshake and everything!!!" Plus membership is less then Aussie Ballbusting or Velvet Kicks!"

The man looked at his fallen comrades, and quickly threw his knife to the ground

Mike: "Impaling one of his fallen comrades"

and put his hands over his head.

“You know, you should never lift your hands to a girl... it leaves your jewels exposed,” Flash girl mused to the thug as she gave him a light back hand, not enough to hurt him a lot, but enough to make him double over and remove any thoughts of fighting.

Crow: "Yep, the sign of a true hero, hit them when they give up."

Using her super speed, she took a piece of rope that sat on a scaffolding and she tied up the four thugs in less then a minute. She had some compassion though; she tied them so they could still hold their jewels.

“See,” she said smirking, “I’m not ALL bad.”

Mike: "You know, Batgirl would never get this much pleasure out of this."

Suddenly, the door opened, revealing a large muscular man in a black leather trenchcoat. To see him, you’d immediately notice something about him.

Crow: "Yes, you'd notice he's apparently naked except for a trenchcoat."

Crow and Tom (together): "Which would be another fetish!"

He had a metallic claw instead of a right hand, which was how he got his underworld nickname “STEEL CLAW!” Flash Girl almost growled when she saw him.

Tom: "There's that creativity thing again"

“FLASH GIRL!” Steel Claw growled back, “How did you find out about this place?”

“A little doggie told me” She smirked. She raced into the man punching into his chest, but because of his claw was robotic, it possessed faster then normal speed too, it grabbed Flash Girl around the throat and lifter her off her feet.

Mike: Finish her, end any chance of a sequel!"

Steel Claw laughed maniacally, “You underestimated me Flash Girl… and for that you will suffer.” Flash Girl tried not to panic as she held onto Steel Claw’s arm so wouldn’t choke to death. She accurately aimed a perfect kick right to the man’s genitals… SMACK!!!

Crow: "Surprise, surprise"

And… nothing… except a sharp pain in her left foot. It felt like she had just kicked a brick wall!

Tom: "This is bad... really bad... but you know. It's still head and shoulder above "Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead."

Steel Claw laughed,

Crow: "Next time gadget... NEXT TIME!!!"

“You think I’ve learned NOTHING from our encounters? I have on a platinum cup. Even your super speed kicks would penetrate it!” The man choked a bit harder, laughing maniacally.

Mike: I’m surprised the author didn’t write that out like, bwa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

Flash Girl took this opportunity to bring her two legs together quickly and hard under the man’s armpits smashing his ribs… the shock of this caused Steel Claw to release his metallic grip on our heroine. Flash Girl rolled back, and smiled a wicked grin... this could work….

Tom: "Yes... a li’l marketing, a few ads, some crappy t shirts... we could have a new icon!"

Crow: "...for Antarctica or somewhere like that."

She sped forward running circles around the man. All Steel Claw could see was a red blur striking at him with what felt like was pokes. With a mighty shot Steel Claw slammed his metallic hand into Flash Girl’s ribs driving her back.

Mike: (a' la WWF announcer): "OOooooo a power clothesline drops Flash Girl to the floor. Her only hope now, her tag team partner Stone Cold Steve Austin."

Tom: (a' la Jerry the King) "Puppies!!!"

Pain engulfed her side, but she smiled because her plan worked.

Crow: "Yes, her plan for assisted suicide is finally going to work"

“NOW I WILL DESTROY YOU, ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!” Steel Claw exclaimed.

Tom: "Super villains 'exclaim' too much, don’t you think?"

Flash Girl smiled and said, “I don’t think so… are you missing something?”

Mike: "A background story?"

Tom: "A plot?"

Crow: "A point?"

Steel Claw looked confused then was horrified when Flash Girl tossed something to him. He caught it, still horrified, cause he immediately recognized it has his platinum cup!!! She must have used her super speed to pull it out of his pants!!!

Mike: (Coughs)

In less then a blink of an eye, Flash Girl ran 10 yards and slung her foot up like a soccer player running for a penalty kick. Steel Claw knew where her foot was going, but was much too slow to stop it.

Crow: Too slow to stop the kick, but way fast enough before for all those punches..."

Flash Girl saw all this in slow motion, he boot clad foot driving up and driving deep between her enemy’s legs, she could have sworn the tip of her boot disappeared as she drove it into the balls of Steel Claw.

Tom: "Goalllllllllllllll"

She could feel his two jewels squish under her boot, his balls nearly crushing between her foot and his pelvic. She moved her foot back and watched the large man clutch his balls and fall to his knees whimpering like a baby, he fell to his side, gasping for air, tears rolling down his eyes, as he grasped his balls with both hands.

Crow: "That’s it? Not 1,000,000 more kicks in only 3 seconds? Awww, the author is slipping."

Tom: "Believe me, he's long slipped."

“I’d be careful with that steel claw of yours, buddy, wouldn’t want to cut them off, would ya?” Flash Girl said smiling.

Tom: "Last time..."

All: "That would be ANOTHER fetish."

She looked around for a phone and called Commissioner Gordy

Tom: "Commissioner Gordy... oh you've got to be kidding me."

telling him that she had Steel Claw and his thugs all tied up, Commissioner Gordy told her that they’d been looking for the group that was spending that phony dough around, and how they were getting it around. Who would have suspected it was being shipped in dolls?

Mike: "Yes, surely the X-Ray Machine at the airport wouldn't discover that."

Flash Girl looked at Steel Claw, realizing that if she just tied him up, he could cut the rope with that claw of his; she needed a better way to keep him indisposed, and she thought she knew the way.

Crow: Make him read this story!"

“Believe me Steel Claw, this is going to hurt you WAY more than it hurts me!” she giggled as she picked up some rope…

Crow: And she ties him up and makes him read this story!"

When the cops arrived, they were shocked to see all the thugs tied up, and Steel Claw hanging upside down, by his BALLS!!!

Crow: The author must have really meant that. He used CAPITALS!"

Tom: "A better point would be, he could STILL cut the rope with his claw, and he has more reason to now!"

Dangling from a rope, in more agony then you could imagine,

Mike: Actually now that we read this story, I think we can imagine."

Steel Claw was blubbering to the cops how he was in charge of this operation and how he should be put in jail with a large bucket of ice. Attached to his jacket was a Red Card that had the letters, “FG” on it, Flash Girl’s calling card.

Mike: (Mimicking Gordy): Aye... the day's been saved once again by Frog Gal."

In an Irish accent, the one cop said, “Ah, thanks begora, she saved our fair city again, we are truly in her debt.”

Tom: "Let’s just turn our backs for the horrible unnecessary violence she used in capturing these petty criminals."

ANNOUNCER: Yes Officer Jim,

Mike: Ha ha... yes Jim, cause of Jim Gordon/Gordy, yes, we got the joke..."

We are ALL in her debt, a debt we can never fully pay off. So if any of you villains out their plan to make trouble in Flash Girl’s town,

Crow: Which I would assume is NYC, since that’s where she gained her powers..."

Mike: "Knowing this author it's probably New Tork City."

you’d better pick up some ice packs while you are out, for Flash Girl will hunt you down

Tom: "and make you listen to horrible verbal quips."

and when she does, it will not be a day to rejoice that you’re a man, for you will be a man with a bruised ego, and worse yet, bruised eggs!

Tom: "So all chickens out there, watch your brood."

So tune in next time, same kicking time, same kicking station.

Crow: " I don’t think we'll be doing that"

Credits Roll in front of a picture of Flash Girl with her knee driving into a man’s nuts.

STORY WRITTEN BY: Confused Ed

Mike (holding up a crowbar): "Give an address!!"

Flash Girl created by: Confused Ed

Crow: "Not something I'd admit to"

Story dedicated to: The good guys and gals of Yoda’s ball busting forum.

Tom: "There's something that could be argued."

Musical Score: What music?

Crow: "What point?"

Copyright date: 5/26/2000

Mike: "The day the forum died, alright guys, let’s get out of here..."

(Takes Tom and followed by Crow, leaves the viewing area)

THE END.

As any fan of the show would know, there's always a closing clip, so here goes...

Closing Clip: (Argh,” The smallest of the 3 thugs screamed in disgust and a thick Spanish accent, “You ain’t no threat to me, mamasita. Heee-ya!”)

A PUNishing Story's Sequel's Sequel: Elvis lives!

By confused_ed

Inspiration struck me today... I was listening to Elvis. (Hey, I might have been born after Elvis died, but that doesn't mean I don't know he rocked!) And just reading the songs on the CD... something cried out to me. And since I've been shit fighting so much here, and not having any fun at all... I thought I'd have some fun and post this here. (Translation: It's after midnight, I'm not tired enough to sleep yet, the post football game talk just ended, and I'm bored) :-D Now, I really don’t know how everyone will react to this, or how much of an Elvis fan you have to be to get the joke... but we'll never find out if we don’t try...

So without further ado...

I present: A PUNISHING SEQUEL’S SEQUEL: ELVIS LIVES!

Ok, this happened one night. My girlfriend asked me if I was lonesome tonight, why don't I meet her at the church she works at? Now the church was located in the ghetto so I had to take the bus there. My girlfriend was a very attractive red head, but she had what some might call, a suspicious mind. I got to the church and greeted my hard headed woman.

"Hi Amy! Your big hunk o' love is here!"

Without a warning, she muttered "It’s now or never" and kicked me way down. She kicked me full force with her blue suede shoes, and I went down. I laid there crying in the chapel. My balls were all shook up the pain was just too much!

I looked up to my burning love and asked her, "Why?"

She said, "I know all about visit to the heartbreak hotel with that hussy, what's the matter with you? Do you have a wooden heart or something?"

I moaned, "That was just a pen pal, just a friend... I don't have any feelings about her, cause she's not you!"

"Oh no!" She cried out, realizing I was telling the truth, "You must think I'm the Devil in Disguise!"

"Nah..." I said starting to get back up, "You know I just want to be your Teddy Bear."

"Oh..." She said happily, "A fool such as I just can’t help falling in love with you!"

Ok... that's it. I didn't know if I should post this because I didn't know how many people would know Elvis that well... if you're confused, check out this link...

http://aolshop.com/products/product_details_music.jsp;jsessionid=1l73CwkGxIySya7YcxcpAHRlqvUWQpfdpAcupbRN2UVLLCcDO2O9!499419432!-1407902182!7017!8018!-271618844!-1407902178!7017!8018?PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524441933250&SKU%3C%3Esku_id=1689949372101834&referralID=01039&bmUID=1063598967343

That'll take you to an Elvis CD that has most of the songs I named. Of course by doing this I'm breaking the cardinal rule of punning... "Never explain and never apologize."

Alright, thanks for reading! Hope it got laughs, grins, or groans. And if you want to post something about this story... well, just "Don't Be Cruel"

hehe.