Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Changing Channels (part 2)

By confused_ed

WARNING: This is a work of humor; please keep both hands on the table where I can see them at all times. Just to just enjoy it and not take it seriously. Also, I’ve started a new system, I will only post the first half of this story, if you want the second half I will trade you for a story. Or, I will accept new mpeg’s or jpeg’s. Or, I will accept 5 dollars. Or, you can just keep scrolling down past the halfway point and just read the second half for free. It’s up to you.

I was sitting at the computer the other night looking at the web board. “Hmm… let’s see...” I thought out loud, “15 new messages. Let’s see what we got…”

I started to scroll… “Let’s see… Advertisement from Knackers… Velvet Kicks update is 15 minutes late, Ad from Knackers, someone is working on a new story, Ad from Knackers, Ad from Knackers, sample from Knackers, Velvet Kicks is now 16 minutes late, Ad from Knackers, oh good, more Mpeg’s are up from Girl Beats Boy page, Ad from Knackers, Sample from Knackers, hmm… upcoming bust on Providence… last week… hmm…”

It seems I have missed the bust. I always seem to miss TV busts. This will not do… I have the technology… I can rebuild my TV… make it bigger, stronger, faster, with more TV busts!


…My TV was ready for testing. Let’s see how this bad boy works.


The screen filled with an image of a man in khakis in front of a woman who is struggling holding a snake. “Welcome back to the Crocodile Hunter… and what a beaut of a snake my wife is handling…” said Steve Corwin. “Now my wife may seem like she’s having a ‘ard time with that snake, but she can handle it.”


“Cute, hun!” the man said with that grin of his. “Now what you should know is that that beaut of a snake is the Red Viper. It’s strong and fast, with a bite, while not deadly, will ‘urt like all ‘ell. The red viper…”


“Oooo looks like ‘e got a li'l nip on her. Are you ok hun?”

She didn’t answer cause at that moment she dropped the snake and walked up to Steve and brought her boot up swiftly to his balls. She had quite muscular legs and managed to get in a nice hard kick. The effect was immediate as Steve grabbed his nuts and fell to the rock. “I’ll be in the jeep, asshole,” she said, walking away.

“Oooooooooo she booted me good in me bollocks. I ‘avent ‘ad a boot like that since I dated one of those fillies of Knackers…”


On the Holodeck on the Starship Enterprise, Worf and Deanna Troi were working through an exercise program. Standing of the remains of his last digital victim, Worf let out a Klingon war cry. Troy glared at him, and scolded, “Worf, this program had 2 Romulans, 3 Borg, and 2 Vulcan ninjas. And you didn’t let me lay a hand on any of them!”

“I am sorry, Counselor,” Worf said. “But when a Klingon warrior gets worked up, there’s nothing that can stop him.”

“Oh, I know an ancient human female technique that would stop a Klingon,” Troy remarked.

Worf scoffed. “There is NO move that a human can use on a Klingon!”

“Oh, this one would, I believe.” Troi said, “Would you care for me demonstrate?”

“Ok, Troi, but I will warn you not to be too disappointed when…” Worf’s words quickly trailed off into a high-pitched moan as Troi brought her spandex clad knee into Worf’s groin. Screaming loudly in Klingon Worf grabbed his nutsack and fell to the ground cursing and moaning.

Troi grinned and tapped her communicator badge. “Beverly? One to sickbay.”


As the image comes onto the screen we see the entire Smurf’s village. And lying on the floor we see five Smurfs curled up on the ground in the fetal position, all of them making high-pitched wails of agony.

Carpenter Smurf walked into view. “What the smurf is going on around here?” Out of nowhere we here a loud female cry, 'hiiiyaaa!’ and Smurfette runs into screen driving her high heel between Carpenter Smurf’s legs. It connects with a dull TWUMP noise. Tears quickly form in his eyes as he falls to the ground with his comrades.

“Oooooh my god,” he cried. “Right in my little smurf berries…” Smurfette brushed off her dress and went looking for her next victim. We then hear a voice over saying, “We’ll return to ‘The Day Smurfette Snapped’ on Cartoon Network, after this…”


“Good evening and welcome to the 11 o’clock news. Tonight, a woman fights back. She was stalked down a dark alley. She stayed still in the dark and when her follower got close enough, she turned around and punched him in the groin. The man fell to the alley ground and the woman was heard yelling at him, “For the last time, NO I don’t have a minute for Green Peace!!!” I say Kudos to Ms. Seamenlicker.”


“Jinkies,” Velma said. “I think we found the headless ghost!” The young woman with glasses pointed to the floating specter with a green face.

The tall lanky pothead exclaimed, “Zoinks! Scooby, what are we going to do now???”

For some unknown reason, the dog answered back. “Ri don’t know Shaggy!”

The specter moved in closer and the gang of kids moved back, till finally, the other attractive woman snapped out, “Oh for crying out loud, it’s ALWAYS a guy in a costume.” She walked right up to the ghost and slammed her knee hard into the specter’s crotch. In a wail of agony that sounded very earthly, the “ghost” fell to the floor.

Velma yelled, “Hey Daphne’s right” and walked up and grabbed hold of the ghosts testicles and squeezed as hard as she could.

With her knuckles now turning white and the screams getting louder, Fred asked, “Now lets see who you really are…” and pulled off the ghost’s mask revealing an old face, scrunched up with agony.

“Zoinks! Its old man Dithers, the owner of the S&M shop!” Shaggy said.

Finally the man passed out from the pain. The gang just stood around. “Hmm,” Fred said, looking at his watch. “Seems we wrapped things up early… what should we do for the rest of the time?”

Daphne grabbed Fred’s scarf seductively and led him to the bedroom. “OH, I think we’ll think of something.”

Velma, Shaggy and Scooby stared at each other. Finally Shaggy suggested, “Wanna go stick Scrappy Doo in a bag and drown him?”

“SURE!” Velma and Scooby agreed quickly.

DISCLAIMER: “The views about Scrappy Doo in this story are not the views of the author who believes that drowning Scrappy would be too quick and painless for the Yoko Ono of Saturday morning cartoons. Thank you”


A with a swift kick Smurfette felled Chef Smurf to the ground. She quickly ran off leaving the poor guy rolling on the floor holding his swollen gonads.


“Oh, Master,” an attractive blonde in a genie costume said, “I have a treat for you.”

Derek walked into the room, and asked, “What is it?”

“It’s a SURPRISE!” Genie said. “But it’s something you asked for. Close your eyes!” Derek shrugged and did as he was told. With a nod of her head, Genie’s shoes changed from soft sandals to a pair of steel-tipped high heels. In a flash she drew back her foot, took aim and shot it at her master’s vulnerable balls. With a high-pitched wail, Derek fell to the floor cradling his bruised nuts.

He wailed with tears in his eyes, “OH MY GOD YOU BITCH, why did you DO THAT???”

Genie looked confused, “But master… you begged me to do that…”

Still sobbing and retching, trying not to vomit, Derek whined, “No I didn’t. Why the hell would I ask for that???”

“But… But… I am sure you asked…” Genie said, confused.

Meanwhile, in another room of the house, ANOTHER Derek stood there laughing, except that THIS Derek was only colored in black and white! “That was perfect… I just have to make Genie hurt him a few more times and then that colored upstart will quit and I will be asked to play Derek again! Hahahaha!”


On a remote desert island, we see a lanky man in a red shirt tied to two palm trees, spread eagle style. In front of him stood two very attractive women.

“You know Giligan, you’re probably wondering why you’re tied to this palm tree,” Mary Ann purred. “You have cost us from getting off the island so many times now, its unbelievable.”

Ginger nodded. “So we decided we needed to teach you a bit of a lesson.” And with those words, she brought her knee up into Giligan's unprotected balls. Giligan let out a loud high-pitched scream, and went red in the face. His tethers kept him from falling down or protecting himself.

“Oho that looked like so much fun!” Mary Ann squealed. “Let me give it a shot.”

With that, Mary Ann adjusted her boots, took a step back and swung her foot up fast and hard into Giligan's aching nuts. The wail of agony that came from the first mate was incredible.

“Sounds like you got him good, Mary Ann,” Ginger giggled. “Let see if the professor can make a TV out those broken coconuts of his. It’s MY turn again!”

Ginger slipped on her high heels and…


Awww crap… the TV just went out. Maybe I shouldn’t have used bubble gum to connect those wires together? Well, when I get it up and working again, we’ll go through a few more channels.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the shows that I parodied here. No web masters were harmed in the making of this story. This story is not to be read near an open flame. Contains no fruit juice. Consult your doctor before reading. Four out of Five dentists agree that this story will prevent cavities when combined with brushing, flossing and regular checkups. I am the lizard king.

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