Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Changing Channels part 3: Let's rent some Disney Videos

By confused_ed


From the twisted mind that brought you Changing Channels 1 and 2, comes part 3. Since it was a while ago and you probably don’t remember them, I feel I should warn you now that this is not going to be hardcore ballbusting porno. This is actually a work of humor designed to just have a little fun and spread some laughter. So, the three of you that actually kept reading after finding out this wont be hardcore BB porn, please enjoy.



My girlfriend got tired of having to sit around and watch movies with groin kicks in them. She knows I’m into it, but she's also figured out that I seem to rent only movies with busts in them. So the other night she asks me, would I rent something that doesn’t have a guy getting it in the nuts this time. She wouldn’t specify what she wanted to see so being a smart ass; I went and rented a bunch of Disney movies. I couldn’t remember ever seeing any busts in them. Unfortunately, on the way out, I bumped into an elderly woman and didn’t say ‘excuse me’. Too bad for me since it turns out she was a voodoo priestess, and she put a hex on all my videos. None of them will stay rewound now! You know how much I’ll have to pay in fines for that? But that’s not all, the hex also warped the videos slightly, here... let me tell you about it.

(I had some time to kill before my date, so I figured I’d pop in one of my favorites, "The Little Mermaid". Oddly it started right at the part where Ariel traded her voice for legs). She floats up to the surface where she is found by Prince Eric. He takes her to his palace and gets her cleaned up. She comes down to dinner and Eric walks up to greet her. "Since you are my guest," he says, "what would like to do tonight?"

Poor Ariel tries to tell him what she wants, but alas, she has no voice to do such. (At this point I was a little surprised, I don’t remember this scene) She thinks for a moment then gets an idea. She holds up her finger to tell Eric to wait a minute. Then she takes a step up and kicks him as hard as she can in the balls! (I was like ‘holy shit!’ at this time. What is this, the DVD version?) Eric is devastated and collapses to the floor nearly crying in pain. The butler looks at him, then at Ariel who is doing a victory dance. "I think madam wants to attend a soccer game, where else do they kick balls like that?"

(Ok, ok, that’s enough of that, I thought to myself, stopping the tape and taking it out. I look at the title making sure it’s the Disney Classic that I had it. As far as I could tell, it’s the real deal. Could I have just missed that scene all those times? Ok... never mind, how about "Beauty and the Beast"? A nice cute romantic movie might get my girlfriend in the mood...) Just like the last tape, this one started well into the movie, just as the song Beauty and the Beast started and Belle and the Beast were dancing around the digitally enhanced room. Mrs. Teapot is singing the title song, and Belle rests her head on the Beast's shoulder. Then to my amazement, Beast reaches his hand down and grabs hold of Belle's ass! (I shake my head, am I seeing things?) Belle's head shoots up, shocked, and slaps the Beast across his maw then she delivers a sharply placed knee right to his fuzzy nuts. The Beast howls in agony and drops to the floor yapping like a puppy dog as Belle storms out of the room. (I stand up in shock.) Belle yells in, "And if you ever touch me again, I’ll use these high heels to kick your balls up through your snout!" and slams the door.

(By this point, I stop the tape and take it out. 'What the hell?' Oh, this is the new release version. I heard it had extra features, but this is crazy. I put the tape back in its box and take out another one, oh, one of my favorite books growing up, "Alice in Wonderland".) Again, it starts in an odd place. Alice is talking to the Chesire Cat. It sits there grinning at Alice. "You could take the left path to the March Hare or the right path to the Hatter... it doesn’t matter they are both quite mad." Alice then said, "But I don’t want to go amongst mad people." The Cat assured, "You cannot help it, we are all quite mad here. I'm mad, you’re mad, if you here, you must be mad. (I started to relax; now THIS I remembered) Alice looked at the cat for a minute, then leapt up, grabbed its tail and yanked it off. She grabbed a hold of its balls and started twisting and wrenching them screaming, "WHO ARE YOU CALLING MAD YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!"

(Stop! Eject! I sat there looking at the blank screen. Maybe it’s me... maybe I'm tired. I looked at the videos. You know what? "The Sword in the Stone" doesn’t have any real women roles, so this should be safe) Odd... this movie started almost at the end. Merlin comes back from Bermuda and is talking to young Arthur. "So you see, lad" he starts. Then, out of nowhere, Ariel comes hauling ass onto the screen and knees the hell out of Merlin's nutsack. Merlin collapses to the floor and morphs into a worm, flopping around helplessly on the ground.

(STOP!!! EJECT!!! Ok... that was really weird... apparently Ariel only got her legs because she wants to bust people... who knew? Ok... well it’s almost Halloween... how about "The Nightmare Before Christmas?) This time I’m not really surprised when the movie starts up in the middle. Jack is talking to Sally about making him a Santa costume. Sally, the rag doll, is pleading with Jack. "Jack, this is wrong." Jack waves his hand. "Nonsense. Just follow the blue print, this part should be red... and the trim white." Sally pleads more. "Jack, you don’t know what you’re doing." Again, Jack dismisses her. "Oh everything will be fine." Sally finally flips. "Ok, maybe this will get your attention" and she lets loose a HARD kick, her foot landing right between Jack's legs with a solid WHUMP. Jack looks at her and sighs. "Sally dear, I'm a skeleton, I don’t have any organs.” "Oh," Sally said.

(Stop. Eject... You know if all these tapes have been perverted with groin kicks, they should at least be real busts. You know what? Bambi's gotta be safe.) The movie starts where Bambi is frolicking with its mom. In the distance, a hunter takes his aim. And fires! And misses. An irate Bambi's mom charges the hunter and butts him in the chest with her head. Then turns around and releases a vicious double hoof kick to the hunter’s nut sack. He lets out a scream and crumples to the ground.

(Stop. Eject... Well at least Bambi's mom is old enough to not be illegal. Jungle Book?) "It’s the bear necessities, the simple bare necessities..." Baloo sings. Then, all of a sudden, Ariel sprints onto the screen, kicks Baloo in his bare bear balls (say that 5 times fast) turns heel on Mowgli and slams her knee into him. Both the bear and young boy collapse in a heap on the jungle ground. Then Shere Kahn runs in and eats them both... extremely graphically.

(STOP!! STOP, STOP, STOP. That is just sick and wrong. Eject. I think we're going to put this one back in its box. Next up... Aladdin.) "GENIE!!! I make my third wish. I wish to be an all powerful GENIE!!!" Jafar declares at the end. Aladdin shouts, "You want it, you got it, and everything that comes with. Incredible cosmic powers...” Jasmine runs up and kicks Jafar square in his balls, her bare foot making dead contact with his magical orbs. Jafar screams and slips into his lamp. Jasmine finishes all statement, "Itty bitty little balls." Aladdin Genie goes, "HEY NOW!" then he looks in his pants. "Hmm... well I’ll be damned."

(Stop. Eject. Oh, this should be good... Snow White...) Apparently there’s no build up to this one, there’s just Snow White in the cottage and all seven dwarfs lined up against the wall. And she makes her way down the line, giving each one of them a boot or knee. (Let’s see that again.) REEEWWWIIINNNDDDDD... Sleepy is woken up with a knee, Happy is brought down with a kick, Grumpy gets it in his jollies, Doc needs medical treatment after a few knees, Dopey is knocked stupid with a quick kick, Sneezy has the snot kicked out of him, and Bashful really gets bashed with her knee.

(he, he... ok enough of that... Stop. Rewind... What else do I have here? Cinderella... this will be good) Cinderella and Prince Charming are dancing at the ball. But it must be a genetic thing with Disney princes; this prince cops a feel too. But Cinderella is much too refined to do anything. So here comes Ariel on her new legs again. She points to Cinderella's glass slippers and borrows one. She slips it on and gives the Prince a solid kick with those sharp slippers. Square in the prince's family jewels. The prince screams and goes down, pieces of glass sticking out of his... (I fast forward, I don’t want to see this) andoutofnowhereShereKahnleapsoutandstartstearingpiecesoffleshoutoftheprince

(STOP!!! What is with these videos, it’s like they're cursed or something. Huh... there's my girlfriend at the door... you know what? Screw these videos, lets go have dinner and catch a movie in the theater... then it wont be my fault.)

The End.

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