Some background: My fictional protagonist, Man Boobs, is an overweight virgin with an Asian fetish who goes to school in
Those are offended by a discussion of the "Asian fetish" in a fictional context, consider yourself warned. Keep in mind that the opinions expressed are those of a fictional character, not me.
Those of you who are close readers of this blog will remember that I took an aerobics class this past semester. What I did not mention was that that aerobics class had a 15-to-1 female/male ratio, with me being the only male. (Well, Cheng-Su and Sandra would dispute that, but whatever.) And this being
If you think that's bad, you should keep in mind that I took cardio kickboxing at my old institution. The ratio there? More like 50-to-1. And my virginity? Still in no danger.
I'd like to share a story from that class, however, that illustrates the dangers of trolling for pussy where you're not welcome. Of the 40 or 50 so girls who came to that class - invariably wearing short shorts or Spandex or other tight-fitting, skin-showing garments - there were quite a few who were cute. And of those cute ones, there were a few who were Asian. And of those who were Asian, there was one in particular who caught my eye. Her name was Lily Ming.
Lily was in the same department as me, and we had some classes together. She was a short girl, super-quiet, who never spoke up in class. She was the kind of demure Asian wallflower you'd never even notice unless you had a particularly bad case of yellow fever. On the gym floor, however, was another matter entirely. Every class, she was out front and center, in a skimpy sports bra and short shorts, punching and kicking and kneeing like nobody's business. Needless to say, I got quite hard watching her, and if my penis weren't so short I'm sure my erection would have been noticed bursting out of my gym shorts. (Of course, the girls did their best to avoid looking at me, since the sight of my man boobs bouncing as I exercised was quite repulsive, but in a room that size it was unavoidable.)
Anyway, on occasion in the class it became time to partner up for some exercise or other. I always made sure to stand next to some cute girls in case this happened, but when it did the girls never turned to me; they paired up amongst themselves and I was left with some fat unpopular cow. After this happened three or four times I ordered myself to grow a pair and actually ask a girl to be my partner.
Well, one day it happened. I heard the magic words - "Pair up!" - and I went for it. I headed straight for the first girl I laid eyes on to ask her to partner up with me. As it turned out, for some reason my eyes came to rest on Lily's rock-hard abs and toned buttocks. So, in one of the most ballsy moves I've ever made, I asked her. She stared at me, uncomprehending, for what seemed like an eternity. Then it slowly dawned on her that to turn me down would be "rude," and as a proper good little Asian girl, there was no way she could be "rude." I had trapped her! SUCCESS!!!
Our instructor, a MILFy-hot redhead who was still in great shape (her name was Mary Lou, and she was a dead ringer for Marilu Henner) gave us instructions for what we were supposed to do. She told us that in addition to exercise, the punches and kicks and combos she taught us had practical value - they could be used for self-defense. To show us how these moves might work against an opponent, she had us get some padded cushions out of a storage closet. We were instructed to have one partner hold up the bag while the other one practiced their combos on it. I chivalrously offered to let Lily go first, and she accepted. She threw a couple of punches - hard - which nearly knocked me off my feet with their impact. "Don't wuss out!" I told myself, steadying. I managed to hold the bag firm as she completed her jabs, crosses, and uppercuts.
"All right, girls!" Mary Lou sang out (yes, she referred to us all as "girls," my presence notwithstanding), "Time for front kicks!" I lowered the bag accordingly.
Lily's eyes met mine for the first time. She spoke softly. "Higher."
A bit louder. "Higher!" A pause. "Please?"
I obediently raised the bag slightly. "Okay?"
She stared impatiently. "Higher, please?" I complied. "A bit higher?"
I didn't know what she was looking for. Surely no woman could kick that high?! I can't deny I was feeling a bit exasperated. I raised the bag to my chest. "That high enough for you?"
"Perfect," she replied as she launched her kick.
I was preparing for the bag to absorb some impact, so I was momentarily surprised when my arms felt nothing. That's when I realized that her kick had missed the bag entirely. Instead, it had struck lower - much lower, if you know what I mean.
The next few seconds are a complete blur. I must have let out a girlish, high-pitched scream, because every head in the gym turned toward me. My eyes were popping out of my skull, my breathing was painful and labored, I was bent at both the waist and the knees, and my hands were clutching my privates. Every girl in that room immediately knew what had happened to me. For a few moments there was complete silence. Then I heard it: laughter. A few snickers at first, then more, then 50 girls openly laughing at my humiliation.
By this time I had fallen to my knees. Mary Lou came over. She was doing her best to look sympathetic, but I could tell that she was barely holding back her mirth. Lily spoke up immediately. "He must have moved the bag right as I was kicking ... I'm sorry, but ... well, how would I know he would flinch?"
(Ouch. First she busts my balls, and now she blames it on my wussiness! Only an Asian ...)
"That's okay," Mary Lou told her. She smiled as she bent over and offered me her hand. She pulled me up from my knees, but I was too weak to stand completely upright. She flashed me a charming and sympathetic smile. "Hurts, huh?"
OF COURSE IT HURTS YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!!
But I just nodded dumbly.
"Yeah, I know," she continued. "It's gonna hurt for a while, okay? Don't feel too bad, though. It happens to every guy in this class sooner or later." At this, she turned her head and, I swear, winked at Lily!
WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!!! DID SHE THINK I DIDN'T SEE THAT??
But there was nothing I could do.
"Alright, everyone, back to your practicing!" Mary Lou shouted to the class. She turned her attention to me. "Let's get you some ice. Lily, would you mind taking him to the nurse's office?"
"Gee, I'd love to, Mary Lou," she replied, "but I really don't want to miss this workout."
Mary Lou nodded. She turned to me. "Well, Man Boobs," she said, "Think you can make it to the nurse's on your own?"
"I'm ... not sure," I replied in falsetto.
"Well, you're going to have to!" she said, laughing. She smiled sympathetically again. "Listen, if you don't feel up to coming in on Thursday, well ... I won't count you absent." With that, she walked back to lead the class. Lily went to find another partner.
"Wait!" I called out to Lily. She turned. Her face was a blank slate; her expression, inscrutable.
"WHY??" I asked.
She looked at me without changing expression for a moment. Then she said, softly and demurely, "It was an accident."
Good answer. Nothing "rude" about an "accident," right? But I know the truth. Man Boobs' Rule #3: When it comes to Asian women and groin pain, there are no "accidents."