Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Mystery Science Theater, Experiment #BB78 (Flash Girl)

By confused_ed

Authors Note: (This is a work of fiction in the style of Mystery Science Theater. So when you read this, give your right hands a rest... Lefties, feel free to go wild. Flash Girl is a story I wrote a while ago, that I found on number2's site, and it didn’t get very good reviews when I first posted it. So in this repost, instead of going for sex, I’m going for laughs. Let’s see if the experiment is a success. Oh, by the way, if you don’t know what Mystery Science Theater is... well, you’re fucked. It's good to be the author.)

Mystery Science Theater music plays... then we start to enter the viewing room...

Entering the viewing room...







Mike: "You know, it was bad enough when we had to sit through bad movies, now they're making us sit through fetish stories."

Crow: "Well, its still gotta be better then watching "For Love and Basketball".


Tom: "Something tells me the story is starting

hello all, I thought it's been too long since there's been a new story posted,

Mike: "Boy, things sure have changed since then, huh?"

so I got an idea for a creative one. So here it is, let me know what you think and if you'd like a sequel to it.

Crow: "Believe me, that'll never happen."

(Quick warning, this story contains ball busting, and shouldn't be read if you are under the age of... hmmmm... its not really a dirty story, so lets say, shouldn't be read under the age of 17.)

Tom: "Hmm, a story about guys getting kicked in the jewels, for the purpose of sexual arousal... why would we think it’s a dirty story?"

ANNOUNCER: “Its 3:30 eastern standard time… and we all know what comes on then… THAT”S RIGHT… everyone’s favorite super heroine… FLASH GIRL.

Crow: "Woohoo! Flash us all!"

Yes, friends, Flash Girl. At day, she poses as mild mannered Alice Krumbabble,

Mike: "Babble... I think we'll be getting a lot of that before this ends"

a quiet Librarian. But when night falls, she dons her latex costume.

Tom: "A latex costume? Does Madonna know about this?”

Crow: "We can only pray that she doesn't."

and uses her super ability to move 20 times faster then even the faster mortal to battle crime and the forces of evil!

Tom: "Wow, that’s amazing, even the Flash only runs 19 times faster then mortals!"

Let’s watch to see what exciting adventures occur in this episode.

Scene: Flash Girl is poised on top of a rooftop looking down with binoculars.

Crow: "Because... being able to run fast would make the roofs much more accessible."

Flash Girl is a knockout 25-year-old, at 5’4, blue eyes, soft red hair down to her shoulders, 125 lbs., with size 36C cups that she you can see the form of clearly in her skintight red and black suit.

Mike: "You think those would affect her speed?"

Tom: "Yeah, the wind resistance would be horrible."

Crow: "And one small bounce at high speed and she'll knock herself out."

Her legs are her most impressive features, as they are long, firm, and covered by knee high pointed toe boots.

Tom: "Unfortunately she wears those boots cause she never shaves."

Crow: "eww..."

Flash Girl sighs… there has been NO action tonight at all.

Mike: (coughs)

She had worked all day as Mrs. Krumbabble, and today was even quiet for a library.

Crow: "Now she quits being Krumbabble for the day, and works the afternoon as Mrs. Stubblecrab."

Seems that kids don’t like to read anymore, such a shame. She mused how she passed the time by reading about 20 books today with her super speed, making sure no one noticed.

Mike: "You know, considering that she only read picture books from the juvenile section, that’s not really that impressive"

Suddenly… a crash comes from a nearby alley; Flash Girl jerks her head in that direction and takes off to leap to the other rooftop.

Tom: "It turns out it’s an alley cat and this story turns into animal porn!"

Crow: "I said it before and I’ll say it again, ewwww..."

To a normal human watching her, we would have just seen her standing in one place for one second, then we would have, just for an instant, seen a red blur fly at mind boggling speeds, then we’d see Flash Girl standing more then 100 yards away! Flash Girl looks down that alley that noise came from, poised for action… she hears another crash and a baby’s cry!!!

Crow: "We'll never know what that first crash was..."

Flash Girl doesn’t waste a second as she almost literally flies down a 20-story fire escape in literally only a few seconds. She comes to a screeching halt…

Mike: "And crashes into the brick wall killing her, the end."

and her heart jumps up in her throat as she sees a dog chewing on a dead baby!!!

Tom: "Alright, infant porn mixed with necrophilia!"

She started to sprint forward to tackle the greyhound in one blink of an eye, but in another blink she stopped dead in her tracks… she looked at the dog…

Mike: "Hey, we're going back to animal porn!"

and saw it wasn’t a dead baby… it was a Betty Boopsie doll!

Crow: (Laughing) Oh that’s creative, hehe why not call it a Darbie Doll"

“I had one of these growing up,” Flash Girl thought, “But the company that made them went out of business years ago.” She laughed for a moment… the dog ignoring all of this still chewing away on its prize.

Tom: "It’s BACON!!!"

Crow: "Noooo its Begging strips!"

Flash Girl let out a sigh of relief and leaned against a nearby wall. “I’ve GOT to calm down,” she thought. “How much easier my life would be if I didn’t have these powers.” She grinned back to that day that she got this ability to move at break-neck speeds.

Mike: "If she really traveled at break neck speeds, she'd be dead and we wouldn’t have to sit and suffer through this!"


Crow: "Aww crap"

Flash Girl, 3 years ago, in one of New York University’s many science labs.

Tom: "In other words, that means the author couldn’t think of a specific one"

She had gone in to help her boyfriend Rick, with the last bit of their science project, a serum that, when poured on a plant, would make it grow much faster then normal.

Crow: "Gee... I wonder where THIS is going."

So far, their research hadn’t been conclusive,

Mike: "Because all the specimens burst into flames upon receiving the serum"

Crow: (mimicking Flash Girl): "Hmmm... maybe it’s a mistake using molten lead in our serum?"

but after some tests last week, they added another ingredient to the serum which, they believed, would make it work.

Tom: "I swear to god, if that secret ingredient turns out to be Chemical X, I’m going to tear this place apart"

Flash Girl, Ms. Alice Krumbabble then, entered into that lab on that fateful day, and saw her boyfriend of 2 years Frenching Lizzy Neroking!!!

Crow: "Who WROTE these names???"

Alice stared at them for a moment… and then flipped out… “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???” Alice screamed with tears in her eyes. Rick almost crapped his pants when he saw his girlfriend standing there.

Tom: "But that would have been a whole other fetish."

Rick, thinking he was a smooth operator,

All: (singing): He's a smooottthhhh operator... smooth operatorrrr"

walked up to Alice winking opening his arms for a hug. “Hey baby, this isn’t what it looks like… I was…” Whatever Rick was going to say was lost,

Mike: "Because the author came to his senses and stopped this story"

as Alice reared back and kicked forward, driving her platform sandals HARD into Rick’s balls.

Crow: "Hey I didn’t see that coming... I had my eyes closed and was screaming"

Rick felt the kick, but for a moment there was only shock… then the pain set in… and BOY did it set in. Rick crumpled to the floor crying and clutching his jewels.

All: (singing) Smooothhhhh operator..."

Alice wasn’t satisfied and pulled his hands off his nuts, an easy task since she had just kicked all the energy out of his body. She grabbed hold of her ex-boyfriends balls and started to squeeze and tug, and yank, all to the incredible pain and horror of Rick, who could only scream high-pitched in agony. This went on for what seemed to Rick for hours, but to Alice, it was only a 20 seconds.

Tom: "But this wouldn’t be considered a 'dirty' story"

As she was about to deliver a final squeeze, one that would destroy his manhood forever…

Mike: "He won’t miss it"

Tom: "and that ALSO would be another fetish!"

she felt a sharp pain in the back of her neck, and now she was on her back, bleeding… and wet.

Mike: (coughs)

She looked up, her vision blurry, and she saw Liz, terrified

Crow: "Was Alice looking terrified, or see looking at a terrified Liz?"

Mike: "Bad grammar and you..."

… and Alice realized… Alice has just broken the vial with their growth serum over her head…. She was now being covered with chemicals… Alice passed out… When she woke up, Rick and Liz weren’t there, and she never did see them again.

Tom: "Rick, now without testicles, found a perfect job as leader of a boy band. Liz changed her name and we now know and love her as Tonya Harding. The End."

But the serum has changed her…

Crow: "She's now a teenage mutant ninja turtle"

she could now move faster then the human eye! Her first idea was to go around and kick every guy in the nuts on the campus…

Crow: "Ohhhh, she's joined N.O.W."

she could DO it now, she had the speed; they’d never see it coming… But… she didn’t like that idea… most of the boys here don’t deserve that… but… she now had SUPER POWERS!!!

Mike: "Well, at least her powers are better then Aquaman's."

She could become a super hero! Fight for truth and justice! And on that day… Alice, became Flash Girl!

Crow: "You know, this would make Stan Lee go insane"

FLASHBACK ENDS. Flash Girl was brought back from her thinking

Mike: "5 hours later"

when she looked down and saw that the greyhound was still chewing on the doll…

Tom: "Yes, surely something that had been going on for so long nonstop without change would grab your attention"

but he had ripped it open… and something had caught her eye.

Tom: "And here comes the animal porn!"

She walked over to the dog, which ran off in fear, leaving the doll behind. Flash Girl picked up the dirty old doll and looked at it… it was filled with MONEY!!! It was stuffed with 20 hundred-dollar bills…

Mike: (confused) they make a 20 hundred dollar bill now?"

but on closer inspection… all these bills had the same number on them! These were COUNTERFIT!!! Flash Girl thought it would be best if she sprinted over to the Daily Dolly Company, where this Betty Boopsie doll was made.

Crow: "Soooo when the factory closed down, they just left all the dolls there?"

Tom: "Ohhh it’s typical in comic book warehouses. Doesn’t matter how old the factory is, the Riddler always has plenty of electricity, and all sorts of odds and ends to make weapons and stuff"

The company was miles away, but it only took Flash Girl a couple of minutes to travel that distant. She slowed down to a silent walk when the company got within sight.

Mike: (observing Flash Girl's costume) "Yes, it’s best to go in inconspicuous"

The Business was on a desolate street, nothing but abandoned buildings here,

Crow: "Damned Republicans in office"

so no one noticed that there’s an awful lot of activity going on in a business that’s meant to be closed.

Tom: (laughing) "I bet all those factories have super villains in them."

Crow: "Yeah, they probably all have a union together."

She used her super speed to move unnoticed to one of the windows. She looked in and saw 4-armed thugs all stuffing Baby Boopsie dolls with the phony money. She knew now was the time to strike.

Mike: "Yes, strike while the irony is hot"

In a blur she sprinted back, then drove forward going through the glass window, rolling to break the fall then stopped on her feet about 2 yards from the 4 bad guys.

“Hello guys, you’re a bit old to be playing with dolls, aren’t you?”

One of the thugs stammered and said, “It’s… it’s… it’s F-F-Flash Girl!!!” He clumsily tried to draw his gun.

All: "Oh no, it’s the archvillian the stutterer!"

“Awww, you’ve heard of me…” Flash Girl sprinted forward and unleashed a fierce kick right to the gonads of the thug.

Crow: "You know, she's not a very good super hero... if she ever met someone without balls, she's wont stand a chance.”

Mike: "That’s why her arch nemesis is Eunuch Boy"

She kicked him with such speed she was able to drop her foot and kick again, and again and again. She saw him move in slow motion,

Mike: So maybe she doesn’t move fast, maybe everyone else just moves really slow"

bringing his hands down to cover his jewels,

Tom: "This author must have a thesaurus just for synonyms for testicles"

but Flash Girl was so fast she was able to get in 11 kicks before he could cover himself.

Tom: "Eleven kicks... not over doing it huh?"

All the other three guys saw was a blur that was Flash Girl’s boot for about four seconds, then they saw the thug crumple to the ground crying his eyes out…

“Oooo,” Flash Girl said, leaning down and looking into the fallen man’s teary eyes. “That looks like it HURTS! You MIGHT want to ice them down later.”

Crow: "See? She's sorry for what's she's done."

The other 3 thugs pulled out guns and started to fire, Flash Girl sprinted off to her left, the bullets not even coming close, before the 3 guys could track her, Flash Girl sprinted back and in a blur she had removed the guns from the 3 thugs hands.

Mike: "I think this story is out of focus, it keeps blurring"

“Listen… if you're still playing with dolls then you're DEFINATELY not old enough to be playing with guns,” Flash Girl said showing that she had their weapons. She tossed them aside

Tom: And they hit the floor and go off killing her. The End, lets go home."

and smirked at them, “Now why don’t you just give up and surrender peacefully, you don’t want to end up like him, do ya?” She points to the floored thug oblivious to everything but the pain in his balls.

Mike: "In all fairness I’m usually oblivious to everything except my crotch too."

“Argh,” The smallest of the 3 thugs screamed in disgust and a thick Spanish accent, “You ain’t no threat to me, mamasita. Heee-ya!”

Crow: (laughing) Its Eddy Guerro! Use your Frog Splash on her!"

The littlest of the thug

Tom: "I think I can I think I can I think I can"

ran forward and performed a perfect roundhouse kick… but Flash girl easily ducked under it. The little man then drove his fist to where he though her face was, a kick to where he thought her side was, and then a double-foot drop kick. Of course, Flash Girl in a blur dodged each of those attacks,

Tom: "So apparently she's double jointed... which would ALSO be another fetish!"

and the final drop kick ended the little thug on his back.

“Do you give up yet?” Flash Girl asked coyly. The little man flipped out, jumped up, ran forward, and in a blur screamed bloody murder.

All: (shouting) "Bloody Murder!!! Bloody Murder!!!"

The other 2 thugs couldn’t understand why till they realized that in super speed, Flash Girl had grabbed the little thug by his jewels and she was rapidly squeezing, releasing, squeezing, releasing.

Crow: "You ever notice, rarely do thugs attack together, but rather one by one."

Tom: "It has something to do with the henchman union"

The little thug doubled over coughing, moaning and crying as Flash Girl leaned down keeping a tight squeeze on the thug’s “prizes” and said, “Are we done fighting?” She gave his balls a SHARP squeeze upward, and the little man screaming in agony managed to spit out, “Si’ Si’ SI SI SI!!!”

Mike: "Hello, this is stereotypes are us... where do you want the Latino Stereotype?"

Crow: "Just put it over in the corner next to the superherione body type stereotype"

“Good!” Flash Girl smiled and tugged down the little thug’s balls bringing him to his knees and she let go…

Just like the first thug, he too lay their bawling over his bruised jewels.

Tom: "Something tells me they're not something he uses often anyway"

The other 2 thugs looked at her. She put her hands on her hip, “NOW will you give up? Or do you want to risk never having another ejaculation?”

Crow: "Yeah, definitely a thesaurus at work"

The biggest of the thugs had enough; he picked up a fallen piece of lumber

Tom: "Hey, he's got wood!"

Crow: Which would ALSO be another fetish!"

and wheeled it like a bat. He ran forward swinging at Flash Girls head. She dodged so quickly she was now behind him. The big thug, bewildered turned around and saw Flash Girl, who then winked at him.

“Strike one…”

“GRRRRR!” The large man growled and swung again, to the same effect, Flash Girl behind him again.

“Strike two, aren’t you seeing a pattern?”

Tom: "Unfortunately I am... numerous hits to crotch, bad quip, move on to the next one."

The massive thug swung the lumber again, Flash Girl again sprinted behind him, but this time reached between his legs, grabbed the wood by the far end, and brought it behind her so the wood shot up and slammed the man in his nuts.

Mike: "Was that possible?"

The man screamed in pain but didn’t fall.

Tom: "Maybe, but that's not."

He limped around to face Flash Girl who said, “A shot like that to your little jewelsies and you're not down… tough man, huh?” The thug swung a fist at Flash Girl,

Mike: "Tonight on MST3K... henchmen that have no pattern recognition skills."

who ducked under it, pulled down the man’s pants and started to use his nutsack as a punching bag. She delivered a good solid 12 super-fast punches before the man even realized what was going on.

Mike: "Aren’t the number of blows a li’l out of proportion?"

Crow: "If you try to make sense of this, you'll wind up in an insane asylum.

Flash Girl stopped, looked at the sheer agony in the man’s face, held him by his cheek for a second and whispered, “I’d say your balls just struck out.” The man collapsed clutching his swollen bruised jewels, trying not to vomit.

Tom: "Trying not to vomit from the terrible, terrible struck-out line."

Flash Girl said, “You know, you three will make great editions to Sing Sing’s opera club, they’ve been looking for sopranos, you know.” She cast a glance at the fourth thug who held his a knife in his hands, but looking scared.

“Do you want to join them in the “balls in their throat” club?” Flash Girl asked.

Crow: (mimicking Flash Girl) "Come onnnnn they got a secret handshake and everything!!!" Plus membership is less then Aussie Ballbusting or Velvet Kicks!"

The man looked at his fallen comrades, and quickly threw his knife to the ground

Mike: "Impaling one of his fallen comrades"

and put his hands over his head.

“You know, you should never lift your hands to a girl... it leaves your jewels exposed,” Flash girl mused to the thug as she gave him a light back hand, not enough to hurt him a lot, but enough to make him double over and remove any thoughts of fighting.

Crow: "Yep, the sign of a true hero, hit them when they give up."

Using her super speed, she took a piece of rope that sat on a scaffolding and she tied up the four thugs in less then a minute. She had some compassion though; she tied them so they could still hold their jewels.

“See,” she said smirking, “I’m not ALL bad.”

Mike: "You know, Batgirl would never get this much pleasure out of this."

Suddenly, the door opened, revealing a large muscular man in a black leather trenchcoat. To see him, you’d immediately notice something about him.

Crow: "Yes, you'd notice he's apparently naked except for a trenchcoat."

Crow and Tom (together): "Which would be another fetish!"

He had a metallic claw instead of a right hand, which was how he got his underworld nickname “STEEL CLAW!” Flash Girl almost growled when she saw him.

Tom: "There's that creativity thing again"

“FLASH GIRL!” Steel Claw growled back, “How did you find out about this place?”

“A little doggie told me” She smirked. She raced into the man punching into his chest, but because of his claw was robotic, it possessed faster then normal speed too, it grabbed Flash Girl around the throat and lifter her off her feet.

Mike: Finish her, end any chance of a sequel!"

Steel Claw laughed maniacally, “You underestimated me Flash Girl… and for that you will suffer.” Flash Girl tried not to panic as she held onto Steel Claw’s arm so wouldn’t choke to death. She accurately aimed a perfect kick right to the man’s genitals… SMACK!!!

Crow: "Surprise, surprise"

And… nothing… except a sharp pain in her left foot. It felt like she had just kicked a brick wall!

Tom: "This is bad... really bad... but you know. It's still head and shoulder above "Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead."

Steel Claw laughed,

Crow: "Next time gadget... NEXT TIME!!!"

“You think I’ve learned NOTHING from our encounters? I have on a platinum cup. Even your super speed kicks would penetrate it!” The man choked a bit harder, laughing maniacally.

Mike: I’m surprised the author didn’t write that out like, bwa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

Flash Girl took this opportunity to bring her two legs together quickly and hard under the man’s armpits smashing his ribs… the shock of this caused Steel Claw to release his metallic grip on our heroine. Flash Girl rolled back, and smiled a wicked grin... this could work….

Tom: "Yes... a li’l marketing, a few ads, some crappy t shirts... we could have a new icon!"

Crow: "...for Antarctica or somewhere like that."

She sped forward running circles around the man. All Steel Claw could see was a red blur striking at him with what felt like was pokes. With a mighty shot Steel Claw slammed his metallic hand into Flash Girl’s ribs driving her back.

Mike: (a' la WWF announcer): "OOooooo a power clothesline drops Flash Girl to the floor. Her only hope now, her tag team partner Stone Cold Steve Austin."

Tom: (a' la Jerry the King) "Puppies!!!"

Pain engulfed her side, but she smiled because her plan worked.

Crow: "Yes, her plan for assisted suicide is finally going to work"

“NOW I WILL DESTROY YOU, ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!” Steel Claw exclaimed.

Tom: "Super villains 'exclaim' too much, don’t you think?"

Flash Girl smiled and said, “I don’t think so… are you missing something?”

Mike: "A background story?"

Tom: "A plot?"

Crow: "A point?"

Steel Claw looked confused then was horrified when Flash Girl tossed something to him. He caught it, still horrified, cause he immediately recognized it has his platinum cup!!! She must have used her super speed to pull it out of his pants!!!

Mike: (Coughs)

In less then a blink of an eye, Flash Girl ran 10 yards and slung her foot up like a soccer player running for a penalty kick. Steel Claw knew where her foot was going, but was much too slow to stop it.

Crow: Too slow to stop the kick, but way fast enough before for all those punches..."

Flash Girl saw all this in slow motion, he boot clad foot driving up and driving deep between her enemy’s legs, she could have sworn the tip of her boot disappeared as she drove it into the balls of Steel Claw.

Tom: "Goalllllllllllllll"

She could feel his two jewels squish under her boot, his balls nearly crushing between her foot and his pelvic. She moved her foot back and watched the large man clutch his balls and fall to his knees whimpering like a baby, he fell to his side, gasping for air, tears rolling down his eyes, as he grasped his balls with both hands.

Crow: "That’s it? Not 1,000,000 more kicks in only 3 seconds? Awww, the author is slipping."

Tom: "Believe me, he's long slipped."

“I’d be careful with that steel claw of yours, buddy, wouldn’t want to cut them off, would ya?” Flash Girl said smiling.

Tom: "Last time..."

All: "That would be ANOTHER fetish."

She looked around for a phone and called Commissioner Gordy

Tom: "Commissioner Gordy... oh you've got to be kidding me."

telling him that she had Steel Claw and his thugs all tied up, Commissioner Gordy told her that they’d been looking for the group that was spending that phony dough around, and how they were getting it around. Who would have suspected it was being shipped in dolls?

Mike: "Yes, surely the X-Ray Machine at the airport wouldn't discover that."

Flash Girl looked at Steel Claw, realizing that if she just tied him up, he could cut the rope with that claw of his; she needed a better way to keep him indisposed, and she thought she knew the way.

Crow: Make him read this story!"

“Believe me Steel Claw, this is going to hurt you WAY more than it hurts me!” she giggled as she picked up some rope…

Crow: And she ties him up and makes him read this story!"

When the cops arrived, they were shocked to see all the thugs tied up, and Steel Claw hanging upside down, by his BALLS!!!

Crow: The author must have really meant that. He used CAPITALS!"

Tom: "A better point would be, he could STILL cut the rope with his claw, and he has more reason to now!"

Dangling from a rope, in more agony then you could imagine,

Mike: Actually now that we read this story, I think we can imagine."

Steel Claw was blubbering to the cops how he was in charge of this operation and how he should be put in jail with a large bucket of ice. Attached to his jacket was a Red Card that had the letters, “FG” on it, Flash Girl’s calling card.

Mike: (Mimicking Gordy): Aye... the day's been saved once again by Frog Gal."

In an Irish accent, the one cop said, “Ah, thanks begora, she saved our fair city again, we are truly in her debt.”

Tom: "Let’s just turn our backs for the horrible unnecessary violence she used in capturing these petty criminals."

ANNOUNCER: Yes Officer Jim,

Mike: Ha ha... yes Jim, cause of Jim Gordon/Gordy, yes, we got the joke..."

We are ALL in her debt, a debt we can never fully pay off. So if any of you villains out their plan to make trouble in Flash Girl’s town,

Crow: Which I would assume is NYC, since that’s where she gained her powers..."

Mike: "Knowing this author it's probably New Tork City."

you’d better pick up some ice packs while you are out, for Flash Girl will hunt you down

Tom: "and make you listen to horrible verbal quips."

and when she does, it will not be a day to rejoice that you’re a man, for you will be a man with a bruised ego, and worse yet, bruised eggs!

Tom: "So all chickens out there, watch your brood."

So tune in next time, same kicking time, same kicking station.

Crow: " I don’t think we'll be doing that"

Credits Roll in front of a picture of Flash Girl with her knee driving into a man’s nuts.


Mike (holding up a crowbar): "Give an address!!"

Flash Girl created by: Confused Ed

Crow: "Not something I'd admit to"

Story dedicated to: The good guys and gals of Yoda’s ball busting forum.

Tom: "There's something that could be argued."

Musical Score: What music?

Crow: "What point?"

Copyright date: 5/26/2000

Mike: "The day the forum died, alright guys, let’s get out of here..."

(Takes Tom and followed by Crow, leaves the viewing area)


As any fan of the show would know, there's always a closing clip, so here goes...

Closing Clip: (Argh,” The smallest of the 3 thugs screamed in disgust and a thick Spanish accent, “You ain’t no threat to me, mamasita. Heee-ya!”)

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